The Black Cauldron

The original tagline was "Get Boned!" (not really)

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "The Black Cauldron" (Disney, 1985). In the ancient land of Prydain, an evil sorcerer called "The Horned King" (John Hurt) is slowly taking over,

Republicans: "Seems like a good dude!"

his bandit hordes and mythical creatures seeking out magical items and riches all with one goal: To find The Black Cauldron, a powerful ancient relic that can be used to raise an army of the dead.

Yes, the McGuffin this time is a giant heavy metal object. 

All he needs is a lead… Meanwhile, a young assistant pig keeper named Taran (Grant Bardsley) has dreams of being a mighty warrior, seeing his current situation as beneath him.

YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE CREEP! You're caring for ONE PIG!

He has been charged by his master Dallben the Enchanter (Freddie Jones) to watch over a single pig, Hen Wen.

ONE PIG! One TINY pig!

Dallben, an enchanter with a magic pig he can't bother to take care of himself.

One day Hen Wen begins to act unreasonably frightened, scaring young Taran. Dallben reveals to Taran that Hen Wen has the ability to act as a scryer, showing events far away or even the future!

Hen Wen begins to tell the future.

Using Hen Wen's abilities Dallben discovers that The Horned King has discovered Hen Wen, and so he sends Taran with the pig into the forest to hide while he figures out their next move. Immediately, Taran gets distracted and loses sight of Hen Wen. Distraught, he runs into Gurgi (John Byner), a talking small furry creature who appears to be starving and who steals an apple from Taran before offering to help him find the pig.

Gollum by way of Fiverr.

They discover Hen Wen being dragged to The Horned King's castle, where Taran goes to get his pig, only to get captured and forced to reveal the pig's power to find The Black Cauldron.

ONE JOB. You had ONE JOB. 

Taran manages to help Hen Wen escape but is thrown into the dungeon for his trouble. He soon meets a princess named Eilonwy (Susan Sheridan), a plucky young girl with a magical glowing bauble,

"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl! Tee-hee!"

and Fflewddur Fflam (Nigel Hawthorne), a bard with a magical lyre (that ironically loses strings whenever Fflewddur lies).

A liar with a lyre.

Escaping the old castle with the help of a magical sword that Taran finds, the rag-tag group decides to find Hen Wen and The Black Cauldron before The Horned King does!

To be fair, the sword does all the work.

Some background

This is sort of the "black sheep" of the Disney family. It was an unmitigated failure. The total budget ballooned to over $44 million, and its total ticket sales worldwide amounted to less than $22 million. Disney apparently optioned "The Chronicles of Prydain" book series by Lloyd Alexander all the way back in 1971 but had an extremely troubled production. That pushed the original 1980 release date back five years. There were a lot of reasons for this, not in the least of which was that there was a power struggle for the visual style of the film which resulted in much of the original work being thrown out. Further problems were brought on by a new studio chairman (Jeffrey Katzenberg -- before he left to help found DreamWorks) who insisted that the film's ending be severely re-cut to edit out much of the gruesome undead army.

Some good

There's a lot to like about this film. While it looks a bit rough in spots (possibly due to the new crop of animators Disney used on this project, including future director Tim Burton), it's actually quite dynamic, with many action scenes featuring surprisingly complex camera movement and characters moving in 3D space. The cast is pretty good as well, with John Huston (who voiced "Gandalf the Grey" in Rankin/Bass "Hobbit" animated movies) acting as the narrator for the introduction. John Hurt's performance as The Horned King (who "Dungeons & Dragons" players will immediately recognize as a lich) drips with menace and bile. The backgrounds are appropriately run-down and natural, like you would expect in a medieval landscape.

Or a heavy metal album cover.

The ending sequence is the most surprising aspect of this film, the undead army being spooky, horrible, and terrifying, with some implied deaths as well.

Don't watch with young kids.

Some bad

It's not all good, though. There's plenty of bad things to sift through here, starting with Taran. Grant Bardsley plays the character fine, but the character is unlikable, being a daydreaming entitled incompetent whiner that we're stuck with throughout the film; BUT… He does learn his lesson by the end of the film, and that's something. As I mentioned before, for all the flash and dynamic aspects of the animation, it does look rather rough, with pencils showing through much of the paint. The story is crowded and unconventional. I know that it's trying to follow the books, but we're introduced to characters at a breakneck speed while others drop in and out of the film at random times.

The three witches are over-the-top, and brief.

Hen Wen, the main driving force for the first half of the film is absent throughout most of it, and almost entirely gone in the second half, for example. Other little touches (like Eilonwy's bauble) are presented without full explanation, and then seem to disappear when the animators have forgotten about them. Gurgi is presented as a sort of "discount Gollum" serving the purpose of the film's "cute marketable cash-grab," and I would hate him except that by the end of the film I actually felt something for him.

Oh, and these things. Pointless. Stupid. Marketable.

In short

Is it worth watching? Sure. It's one of those weird films where the highs never really reach the high that you want, the lows are never as bad as you expect them to be, and it's entertaining enough to be watchable -- but it's no classic.

Plus, nobody pets this wyvern's belly. He just wants to be a good boy!

Not for the very young

This movie is rated PG for scenes of undead mayhem, implied death, spooky imagery, and probably because Tim Burton worked on it.

Seriously, don't watch with kids unless you want them to sleep with the lights on.

Where can you watch it?

As of this writing, "The Black Cauldron" is available for streaming on Disney+.

The Country Bears

The Three Bears. Plus three more. And a guitar.

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgia pic is "The Country Bears" (Disney, 2002). The band "The Country Bears" have been broken up for over 10 years, and their biggest fan, Beary Barrington (voiced by Haley Joel Osment) is just your normal fifth grader: He's imaginative, he's curious, eats raw unprocessed salmon, he's covered from head to toe in fur…

Yep. Normal pre-teen.

His brother Dex (Eli Marienthal) convinces him that he's adopted.

Sure, you hate him now, but just wait until you get to know him.

His parents (Stephen Tobolowsky and Meagen Fay) won't give him a straight answer.

Yes, THE Stephen Tobolowsky!

He feels like an outcast, so much so that he runs away to go to Country Bear Hall, the original stage of the band, only to find it closed and on the verge of being foreclosed upon by nefarious banker Reed Thimple (Christopher Walken).

Can they win the battle of the bands and save the community center? Oops, wrong movie.

Easily my favorite part of the film.

The CB's former manager, Henry Dixon Taylor (voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson) reveals that they're six years behind on payments and it will take $20,000 to save it from Thimple's wrecking ball.

Bears deal with bear problems.

Beary convinces Henry to get the band back together for a concert to save the hall, and he reluctantly agrees, getting the band's (human) drummer Roadie (M.C. Gainey) to get the tour bus out of the barn.

He seems more of an intimidating monster than any of the vears.

Pretty sweet ride, all things considered.

Meanwhile, Beary's parents report his disappearance to the police, officers Hamm and Cheets (Daryl "Chill" Mitchell and Diedrich Bader, respectively).

These two are basically the physical comedy in the movie.

The two begin a manhunt while Beary helps to round up Fred Bedderhead (Brad Garrett) and his brother Ted (Diedrich Bader again), Tennessee O'Neal (Toby Huss) and his lady bear love Trixie St. Claire (Candy Ford), and Zeb Zoobler (Stephen Root). Can Beary bring the Country Bears back together and find a place to fit in before Reed Thimble smashes the hall into toothpicks?

Some background

This movie was directed by Peter Hastings, an experienced writer and producer best known for animated projects, and this film, while live action, seems almost cartoonish in its design, but at the same time, it feels very natural.

In case you don't know, this movie is based on a Disneyland ride, "The Country Bear Jamboree," which opened in 1971 and closed in 2001 (one year before this film). Versions of the ride apparently still exist in foreign markets (Tokyo Disneyland, for example). So, it's odd that they would send this to market with no tie-in existing.

It was nice to see Daryl "Chill" Mitchell again, who was always a terrific comedian and character actor. I thought to myself, "you never see him anymore -- I wonder why." Sadly, there's a reason for this: This film was his last appearance before a motorcycle accident made him paraplegic and unable to act.

There are a lot of musical cameos in this film, from industry giants like Elton John, Willie Nelson, Queen Latifah, The Brian Setzer Orchestra, Bonnie Raitt, and Don Henley, to barely footnotes like Xzibit, Wyclef Jean, Don Was, Krystal Harris, and Jennifer Paige.

I don't know who "Krystal" is, but her Botox-frozen face and painted-on eyebrows was more unsettling than any of the animatronic bears.

The good

For people who can't stand CGI effects, you'll be happy to know that there aren't any here. Everything is practical, and the only computer-assisted effects in the movie are the animatronics, which for the most part are incredibly good, thanks to the technical know-how of the Jim Henson Creature Shop. The characters themselves bear little resemblance (see what I did there) to the amusement park characters, the animation aesthetic swapped for a more realistic one, but they still retain key features and wardrobe choices.

Zeb Zoobler is by far the most recognizable (it's the hat).

There were a few moments in the movie that made me laugh heartily, although they were more "WTF" moments than because of any of the planned scripted humor. Christopher Walken is a standout here, being delightfully weird with his ridiculous Walkenisms.

Need I say more?

The bad

Wow, there's a lot of bad to get through. The music that this movie revolves around is competently written and performed, and entirely forgettable. You're not going to be humming these tunes after seeing this movie. That's pretty bad for a film with at least five fully performed and realized musical numbers. This isn't a musical in the traditional sense, mind you: There are musical performances, but characters don't break out into song on a whim -- they're performed on stages and in night clubs.

The music remains on stage where it belongs. Lots of music, on lots of stages, unfortunately.

The bears' voice actors are rarely the ones singing the musical numbers, and it is painfully obvious when you hear Bonnie Raitt and Don Henley singing a duet from bears that absolutely do not sound like them the rest of the time.

The plot, if you didn't figure it out, is almost exactly the same as "The Blues Brothers." And "The Muppet Movie." And "The Muppets" movie. These are all much better films overall, although it took this movie to make me realize that "getting the band back together" is actually a tired and stale film genre at this point.

Ow, my feelings

Overall, I thought this film was fine. It's not the best of its kind, but it's also not a total wash. The cast is superior to what I was expecting, the animatronics were effective to watch for the most part, Christopher Walken was oddly entertaining, and there's just enough weird moments to make me laugh. I also liked that the jerk of a brother, Dex, realizes that he loves his "brother bear" by the end.

Safe for kids... probably.

There's no swearing, no drug use, no violence, but there is nudity as most of the main characters are full frontal bear.

Bear-naked ladies.

Yep: Another bear pun. Can you bear it? It's perfectly suitable for young children. There is one racist joke in the entire film, but as it involves Pandas I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Where can you find it?

"The Country Bears" is currently streaming on Disney+, as of this write-up.

Bear-ly approved.

Emil and the Detectives

A Mill and the Defectives

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "Emil and the Detectives" (Disney, 1964). In the small town of Neustadt, Germany a young boy named Emil Tischbein (Bryan Russell) is boarding a bus to Berlin with a bouquet of flowers in his hand and four hundred marks (the German currency at the time) pinned inside his coat to give his grandmother.

In this universe, checks don't exist.

There's just one problem: A criminal known as Herr Grundeis (AKA "The Mole," played by Heinz Schubert) witnesses Emil's mother pinning the envelope to his jacket and decides to rob the child.

Not going to lie: This man steals more than money -- he steals the show.

Grundeis hypnotizes the boy into falling asleep and deftly picks his pocket. Emil awakens shortly afterward just as Grundeis is departing the bus, realizes that he's been robbed and runs after the criminal in pursuit. While shadowing The Mole Emil runs into an enterprising teenager named Gustav Fleischmann (Roger Mobley), who (among the dozens of business cards in his pocket) claims to be a detective.

"Of course I'm a detective! Why else would I wear this porn hat and silk scarf?"

After the two agree on a fee of ten marks, Gustav follows the criminal only to lose him, but not before getting a clue: Most of a torn-up note that details a meeting at a hotel… But the name of the hotel is the piece that is missing. Emil follows Gustav while he assembles a rag-tag team of boys that he calls his "detectives." Briefing his team on the situation, the boys quickly disperse throughout Berlin, casing hotels to find The Mole based on Emil's description, while sending a note to Emil's grandmother so that she doesn't worry. The note is intercepted by Emil's school newspaper reporter cousin, Pony (Cindy Cassell) who begins trailing the detectives to find Emil.

"But I'm grandma, I'm just a plucky America-- er, German girl!"

Eventually, the kids find The Mole and his coconspirators, giant thug Müller (Peter Ehrlich) and his boss, The Baron (Walter Slezak).

"Gentlemen, I've got a plan that hinges on me doing absolutely nothing!"

While trying to get evidence to get the police to intervene, the young troupe uncover a plot that involves a hidden underground tunnel system and a bank robbery. Can Emil and the detectives get back the money and defeat the criminals?

SPOILERS: No, and no.

Some background

This movie is based on a 1929 German novel by writer Erich Kästner that was translated to English in 1931. Aside from being his most popular novel, it's also his only novel that wasn't censored by the Nazi regime that was in control at the time. It was adapted for Disney by writer A.J. Carothers (who mostly wrote television serials and television movies) and directed by Peter Tewksbury (who frequently directed several popular TV shows of the time). This isn't even the first time it's been adapted, having a German film in 1931, a 1935 British remake, a post-war West German remake in 1954, as well as several television serials based on the story.

Good things

At its core, this is a typical "boy detective" style tale, where the kids are basically ignored or discounted by the adult characters and are forced to rely on their wits and resourcefulness in order to outwit seasoned criminals.

"You stupid kids with your stupid credible story!"

The introduction of the film aggrandizes the criminals, referred to as "The Three Skrinks." For clarification, the film uses the term "skrink" as slang for "crook" or "jerk," possibly in the hopes that it would catch on (it didn't). It has adventure, intrigue, interesting villains (well, for a kids movie anyway), while being relatively family friendly.

Not quite as good things

The problem with the film is the setting. Or the characters. Take your pick: The problem is that the characters don’t fit the setting. Let me explain: This version of the story takes place in post-World War II Berlin, during the Cold War before the fall of Communism. That means that Berlin is still split into West Berlin and East Berlin. The wall that separated these communities and threatened war for so long is referenced in the film, but otherwise every opportunity is taken to make Berlin seem sunny, bright and carefree… Except for the burned out building (obviously a holdover from the war) that much of the end of the film takes place in. This on its own would be fine, except that all the adults are played by German actors and actresses, while all the children seemed like they were bussed in from America.

"I must be German. I mean, I'm white, aren't I?"

So you get shifty Gustav Fleischmann, dressed for all the world like a cross between Pinocchio and Lampwick speaking with an American accent.

"Hey, youse guys wanna see the Reichstag? Fuggetaboutit!"

All of the kids seem like American imports, and while this was obviously done to make the kids more palatable to American audiences, it doesn't mesh well with the distinctly European locales.

Pretty safe for kids

On the whole, it's not exactly the most interesting story, but it is entirely watchable. Kids today might be a little bored by the pacing while being confused by the black and white televisions and rotary dial telephones. It predates the MPAA film rating system, but it's easily a soft PG. There's no strong language and no nudity or sex. There is tobacco use as well as the threat of gun violence and death by dynamite (which adds to much of the drama in the second half of the film), if that's a concern.

The villains don't seem that threatening until they are.

Where can you find it?

"Emil and the Detectives" is currently streaming on Disney+.

The Cat From Outer Space

People Holding Cats: The Movie!

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "The Cat From Outer Space" (Disney, 1978). Mysterious lights in the sky appear over a remote farm.

If this was filmed today, this farmer would have, like, six AR-15 rifles. *sigh*

When the military comes to investigate, they discover an abandoned craft of unknown origin.

"Look: A craft of unknown origin, possibly abandoned!"

Meh. Needs some nice triangular radar dishes on top.

Can the human race survive the invasion of the stealthy, sharp toothed, clawed, monstrous killing machine that emerges?

"Bleh! Mime's an imbader!"

Yes. Yes they can.

It turns out that the machine's only occupant is a super-intelligent shorthair housecat named Zunar-J-5/9 Doric-4-7 (voiced by Ronnie Schell) who has come to Earth to make repairs to his spacecraft before a rendezvous with his race's mother ship. Now he needs help to recover and repair his spaceship with only a few days to do it! When General Stilton (Harry Morgan) takes the ship's power source to the Energy Research Laboratory, the cat follows and befriends the one scientist capable of understanding it, Dr. Frank Wilson (Ken Berry), who takes to calling the kitty cat "Jake."

Perhaps Dean Jones was unavailable for this one...

Complicating matters, one of the E.R.L. contractors, Mr. Smallwood (Roddy McDowall), is a spy in the employ of corrupt industrialist Mr. Olympus (William Prince), who sets his sights on the alien technology.

Mr. Smallwood is the eyes and ears of the big-bad.

The talentless Mr. Olympus, 

Now Frank, his gambling friend Norman Link (McLean Stevenson), and potential love interest Liz Bartlett (Sandy Duncan) must evade both industrial spies and the military to help the cuddly wuddly iddy biddy kittems fix his ship and return home!

"Also, I brought this cat for some reason!"

"I'm here to drink beer and bet on sports. And I'm all out of beer!"

Some background

This is the last film directed by Norman Tokar, a frequent director of Disney animal comedies such as "The Ugly Dachshund" and "Million Dollar Duck" before his untimely death via heart attack. If you've seen those other films then you know about what to expect: There's an animal that has some sort of value, people who come to love that animal, people who want to exploit that animal, and a big chase/rescue scene at the end.

This chase scene is bigger than most.

This film is also a bizarre intersection of the cast of the television series "M*A*S*H" (Harry Morgan and McClean Stevenson)

One of the stars of M*A*S*H (no, not Sandy Duncan).

One of the stars of M*A*S*H (no, not the cat).

and the later series "The Dukes of Hazzard" (Sorrell Booke and Rick Hurst).

Certainly not a Hogg in this picture, but always a boss!

Pictured: NOT Cletus Hogg.

Also, notable voice actor Hans Conried (the original Captain Hook) is in this.

Also, notable voice actor Alan Young (the original Uncle Scrooge) is in this.

Filmed for around $4 million dollars, it's not what you would call a big-budget film (even in 1978), but it makes good use of what it has.

Small nitpicks

The special effects in this movie are a lot of typical matte composition "green screen" shots, and the tech Disney used for this hadn't changed a lot since the 1960s.

Remember the bicycle scene in "E.T.?" This movie did it years earlier -- with a cat and a motorcycle!

There are a few wire flying effects and even some not-obvious miniature work interposed, so it's passable but not mind-blowing. The biggest visual offenders in the film are the mustard yellow and pea green 1970s décor in the background.

Oddly enough, Sandy Duncan is NOT on the wire (Peter Pan reference).

Oddly compelling

If this is the sort of bad movie you're looking for, it's actually pretty good: You have a cute animal star, punchy dialogue, lots of slapstick comedy, liberal special effects sprinkled throughout, a competent cast of "B" stars of silver and small screen, plenty of scenery changes, and even some impressive stunt work in the film's final action scene. It never drags and never gets boring, which is high praise for many mainstream movies of that era.

Also: This supervillain lair set is AWESOME, and only in ONE SCENE.

Proceed with caution

While there isn't any foul language, nudity, or excessive violence, there are a few references to tobacco and alcohol use. This film also avoids the problem of minority representation... By not showing any minorities (problem... Solved?). Like all animal films of the time, there are some scenes where the animal actors may have actually been in danger (probably actually sedated in a few scenes), so if you or any children watching are sensitive to these concerns be aware that they're there.

Where can you watch it?

"The Cat From Outer Space" is rated "G" for all audiences, and is currently streaming on Disney+.