Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Over the weekend, I developed a method of watching movies at home that makes nearly any current Hollywood stink-bomb a veritable pleasure to watch. Now, I could just write a self-help book and start a seminar to show people how to get enjoyment out of ANY movie from the last twenty years, but I feel it is my duty to humanity to promote this message without financial gain. Nobel committee judges, please take note!
Here is all you have to do, and bear in mind that after doing this, you WILL LOVE Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, Jurassic Park II: the Lost World, and their subsequent sequels:
Step 1: Watch Hudson Hawk, the 1991 "film" starring Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, and Andie MacDowell. Please note that it may take awhile for your body to build up a tolerance to it.
Step 2: Now, watch literally any other movie released in the last twenty years. It doesn't matter what it is, it will seem immediately better. If the movie starts to irritate you, put Hudson Hawk back in for a refresher.
Step 3: If the movie seems slightly better but still doesn't seem watchable, put aside about half a day and watch Hudson Hawk repeatedly until you can't wait to watch any other movie!
Step 4: Repeat as necessary.
This method is effective one hundred percent of the time in lab tests, and there are virtually no side effects!*
*SIDE EFFECTS OF HUDSON HAWK MAY INCLUDE (BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO): VOMITING, IRRITABILITY, CONFUSION, DEMENTIA, SEIZURES, PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PARANOIA, AND CANCER OF THE COLON. A COMPONENT OF HUDSON HAWK, ANDIE MACDOWELL, HAS BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE BLEEDING IN THE EARS OF LAB RATS. IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS, STOP WATCHING HUDSON HAWK IMMEDIATELY AND SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.