My whiny blog continues.

I feel confident that I can throw this out there, seeing as no one reads my blog anyway.  Not that I'm blaming anyone for not reading any of my blogs, as they aren't updated very often, and are usually about things that I am disgusted with or other deviations in the realm of cynicism... but I digress.

So, there is a girl that I've liked for a very long time now.  I haven't felt it appropriate to tell this girl that I like her for a number of reasons, which I'll go into now:

1. She deserves someone taller, thinner, and more handsome than I
2. She needs someone that can provide for her, which I can't do.
3. She's 10 years younger than me, which is a pretty big deal in my book.
4. She's Christian, I am an atheist.  This always causes problems.
5. She has "the hots" for someone else.
6. I will not be the stone around her neck.

Now, I would have liked to have gotten to know this girl a bit more before making any rash decisions, but I can't help it, I like her all the same.

Hell, my friends even knew that I liked her, as I found out just over a month ago.   The problem is, I know she doesn't like me (who could blame her, eh?).  As I've stated before, my radar for knowing when a girl is or isn't interested doesn't work so well, and has also been warped by nearly 16 years of being alone.  But today... today I can take the hint.

I found out that Pittsburgh's "Cinema in the Park" was playing Sherlock Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law tonight at Schenley Park in Oakland.  I sent her a text early (at 9:30 a.m.) because I knew she had the day off and I wanted to see if she'd want to go with me, for two reasons: 1) I hate going to places like that by myself, and 2) I wanted to spend some time with her without our friends hovering around us.  I waited until around 2:00 in the afternoon, and she still hadn't replied, so I sent another text: "I'll take that as a "no." It will probably rain anyway."

A little while later, I got my reply.

She had been doing housework, and missed the first text, but decided that she was going to stay in today.  I lost out to housework.  Obviously, this girl is not interested in me at all, and I sent her a text back to let her know that I understood, and that I wouldn't bother her anymore.  Of course, this means avoiding her (and the rest of my friends) for any future get-togethers.

It's okay, I've been alone for so long, I think that I might actually prefer it.

Ms. Arndt, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm moving on, I won't embarrass you with this anymore, and all I wish is that you find true happiness.

Relationships... bile... and relationships... again...

I wrote this back in June, but given my current level of solidarity it seems most appropriate to publish it now.

There is no more noble or terrible thing than unrequited love.  

Initially, it gives one a sense of hope, an exhilaration of finding one's self, that feeling that you could be with another person for the rest of your life and never be happier.

Then, when it becomes obvious that the other party doesn't review one's relationship that way,  one begins to believe that over time the other person may notice and love the qualities that one possesses, and that this observation might one day develop into attraction.

But given enough time, unrequited love will drive people to near insanity.  It erodes their self-esteem, puts them in a near-unshakable state of denial, which finally culminates in some sort of emotional disconnect or even physical violence.

I've seen it happen time and time again, whether it be religious zealotry, sports fanaticism, company loyalty, or even (gasp) the love between two people.   I've experienced it a few times in my life - I make no excuses, though, most of the anxiety and angst I've felt in pursuit of love stems from my fear of rejection and introverted shyness.  Yes, I am shy - I have reason to be:

-I'm at least sixty pounds overweight.

-I'm nearly entirely bald

-I'm nearsighted

-I'm ugly (it is scientifically proven that people with symmetrical faces are more attractive, and mine kind of curves to one side thanks to a childhood injury)

-I'm short (only 5'6")

Now, despite these physical setbacks, which are time-proven things that I cannot overcome (I did lose the weight once at the cost of being tired, sore, and hungry for about six months and I just couldn't continue on like that), I could make up for it with wealth and personality, except:

-I'm poor (I've averaged only $8000 a year since I was sixteen - that's 19 years!) with no foreseeable hope of improving my fiduciary standing 

-I'm stupid, despite what the I.Q. tests say

-I'm short-tempered and impatient

-My upbringing has made me base and crude

Even discounting that there are women out there desperate enough to date someone with these faults, my faults continue when you consider there are women that I won't date, which unsurprisingly are exactly the kind of women you would expect to have low standards:

-Chain smokers (via my dad, I lived with smoke my entire childhood, and I'll not be subjected to it again!)

-The severely overweight (I need someone who won't be too tired to go for walks or bike rides)

-Vegans (vegetarians are kind of a gray area, but vegans irritate me to no end)

-Red heads (I don't want to offend, but my mom, several aunts, and a sister are red-heads, and it's very hard for me to deal with this from a familiarity point of view.  I am averse to severe freckles as well.  This is just my taste)

-Asians  (don't get me wrong, this isn't a racial thing - there are women of Asian descent that I find very attractive, but I have no attraction to (any) race, just individuals.  I use Asians as an example because they are often the object of weird fetishes that give me the willies)

-Single mothers (I just don't think that I'm ready to be a father; or at least, I need the time to prepare myself mentally)

It's also fairly well-known that I am an atheist, though I'm not militant about it.  I understand that most people want to be part of a group and accepted, but I cannot condone the insane mythology that almost every religion promotes.  I studied mythology extensively in my younger years.  I desperately wanted "magical miracles" to be real... but they're not.  Get over it and try to make the world a better place yourself instead of waiting for the flying spaghetti monster to make it better for you.  I believe that Jehovah is a myth and that Jesus is an invention by the first Christians, and I have to believe it.  The only other explanation is that Jehovah is either ignorant of our existence or is a vindictive attention-starved child, and neither of those thoughts bring me peace at night.  Ignoring the metaphysical, religion is just an outmoded control system designed to steal time, resources, and inspiration from people capable of creating miracles on their own so that the congregation can take all the credit.  I admire what they profess that they try to do, but I have no love for how they do it.  Yeah, I try to avoid Christians too.

Thus, I have systematically eliminated every woman of every creed.  There are ones who won't have me, and the rest I don't want.

So, I'll be alone, here, slowly cutting my ties to human relationships one by one until there's nothing left except a miserable shell of a person waiting for the inevitable end.  Is this what I want?  Yes.  No.  I don't know what I want.  I have never known what I want, because everything in the world is just out of my reach, and irrational thoughts and phobias keep me from that.

Anyway, if you stayed around for the whole thing, thanks for reading!

Eh.

The Secret

Over the weekend, I developed a method of watching movies at home that makes nearly any current Hollywood stink-bomb a veritable pleasure to watch.  Now, I could just write a self-help book and start a seminar to show people how to get enjoyment out of ANY movie from the last twenty years, but I feel it is my duty to humanity to promote this message without financial gain.  Nobel committee judges, please take note!

Here is all you have to do, and bear in mind that after doing this, you WILL LOVE Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, Jurassic Park II: the Lost World,  and their subsequent sequels:

Step 1: Watch Hudson Hawk, the 1991 "film" starring Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, and Andie MacDowell.  Please note that it may take awhile for your body to build up a tolerance to it. 

Step 2:  Now, watch literally any other movie released in the last twenty years.  It doesn't matter what it is, it will seem immediately better.  If the movie starts to irritate you, put Hudson Hawk back in for a refresher.

Step 3:  If the movie seems slightly better but still doesn't seem watchable, put aside about half a day and watch Hudson Hawk repeatedly until you can't wait to watch any other movie!

Step 4: Repeat as necessary.

This method is effective one hundred percent of the time in lab tests, and there are virtually no side effects!*

*SIDE EFFECTS OF HUDSON HAWK MAY INCLUDE (BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO): VOMITING, IRRITABILITY, CONFUSION, DEMENTIA, SEIZURES, PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PARANOIA, AND CANCER OF THE COLON.  A COMPONENT OF HUDSON HAWK, ANDIE MACDOWELL, HAS BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE BLEEDING IN THE EARS OF LAB RATS.  IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS, STOP WATCHING HUDSON HAWK IMMEDIATELY AND SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.