Lectric XP4: First Ride

 After MANY delays and much hemming and hawing, my Lectric XP4.0 750W e-bike was delivered today.

Here are my thoughts:

First off, it’s heavy. I cannot stress how heavy this thing is, weighing in at around 70 lbs., STOCK (I added a saddle bag and a rear basket to the built-in rack, so as equipped and with no cargo it has to weigh closer to 75 lbs. now).

Putting it together was easy, as it is mostly assembled out of the box, with a few items requiring adjustments and nearly everything requiring tightening up. The biggest issue I had during assembly was the mount for the included bicycle lock; the instructions show the mounting points below the seat post, but if you mount the lock case in that position there is no way to replace the bike lock into the sheath, meaning that the instructions are for an earlier model. It was honestly such a pain in the ass to put on, and such a weird lock (it’s not a chain, but a bunch of flat pieces on hinges, kind of like those old folding rulers that we used to have) that I’m not sure that it’s worth bothering with at all, but it was free. 

I put air in the tires, adjusted the seat and the handlebars, which are on tube latches, so once you get them into the position you want adjusting them up and down is a snap. 

I should point out that the official “how to video” is pretty irritating to watch, as it uses the same sound cues for every little segment, and for the most part is about as exciting as watching a 90s-style VHS “how to operate your copier/printer” sort of ad. One thing of note though, is they have you fold the bicycle, remove the battery, and then plug the battery in (which is a lot of steps and is particularly annoying for me, because of the lack of workspace in my back room). It’s only after I did all of those steps that the video shows that you can just plug the charger in on the bicycle while it’s all together, negating the need for any of the previous five minutes of the video. I suppose that info is there if you want it, but I really didn’t need it.

I put it on the charger and then went to bed. They recommend NOT doing this, as they want you to be awake if the lithium ion battery pack decides to explode, but I had been up since 3 AM and really couldn’t be bothered. I woke up at 7 PM to a fully charged bicycle (it took about 4 hours total), and then I decided to play “hooky” and call off work. Despite the warnings of rain it was still quite bright and blue outside, and so I wanted to take my new ride out on an adventure. 

Getting it down the stairs was difficult. All of the weight is in the back of the machine, so despite there being sufficient hand-holds it’s still difficult to manage. The thing is surprisingly large and chunky for being such a small shipping package, and the “fat tire” style of the wheels make up for their lack of diameter with an impressive girth. Still, once it was on the ground, the “step-through” frame is a welcome innovation.

The first thing I tried was riding the bike without the pedal assist on. This was a mistake. It functions as a regular bicycle with the assist off, but it functions as a 75 lb. bicycle, which is horrifying if you think about it too much. I put it in the first assist mode, “Eco,” which really just seems to compensate for the weight of the bike, and honestly makes it feel like pushing a proper road bike on flat pavement, giving you the cadence and torque that you would expect from a much lighter machine, but not exactly speedy in itself. 

I should explain that there are basically two types of e-bikes: Ones with cadence sensors, and ones with torque sensors. A cadence sensor reads your pedal inputs and works to match your speed, while a torque sensor actually reads the amount of torque you’re putting into the pedals and adjusting accordingly. This bike has the torque sensor system, so when you’re going up hills or trying to speed faster there is absolutely resistance like a regular bike, even in the faster pedal assist modes. It’s sort of a weird sensation, and there’s definitely a delay (especially when you switch gears using the rear hub derailer), but I never got stuck on a hill still having to switch gears, so that’s something.

I decided to take my bike past my place of work to see if it was any faster or easier than with my road bike, and… yeah. Even in “Eco” mode, I was able to maintain a higher speed at a lower resistance with a higher cadence. It felt good. The bike’s front fork and seat suspension took much of the impact away from “the cheese grater” (how I refer to the bike-hike trail in its current condition), and even the ridiculous gaps between the blacktop slabs feel far less damaging to my spine than they do on my “boneshaker” road bike, but it still doesn’t feel good, because that trail is terrible. 

After that I wanted to see if it was any easier to climb Hatch Run (I attempted that route yesterday on my road bike, and I failed), but on my way up just past the mall I came across a sight that you don’t see every day: A discarded wallet, with all of the ID and everything still in it. I found the driver’s license, and it was an address in Russel. I put the address into Google maps, and it was about twelve miles away. “Huh,” I said, “I can do that!”

So the route Google took me is as follows:

Hatch run to Conewango Avenue, Conewango Avenue to Big 4 Road, Big 4 Road to Priest Hollow, Priest Hollow to Renolds Road, Renolds Road to Cable Hollow Road, Cable Hollow Road to Warren-Onoville Road, Warren-Onoville Road to Norman Road, and Norman Road to Carr Road. 

I wanted to see how bad Big 4 Road was to bike on for a while now, so I didn’t question Google at all. Big 4 was pleasant. Big 4 was stony, but nice. Renolds Road, however… 

I could swear that I heard banjo music playing when I first got on that road. Well, when I say “road” that implies infrastructure, but the reality of the situation is that Renolds Road is a strip of mud sprinkled with gravel that is draped over a few huge boulders slapped onto a hill with street signs pointing to it. It’s also extremely vertical. Unpleasantly vertical. I tried my bike’s “Sport+” pedal assist mode because my speed had diminished to about 4 miles per hour at one point and I thought that I might be crushed underneath it if I fell. I’m sure that it was this stretch that ate up most of my battery power, dropping from around 80% to 60% over the course of the ascent. 

It was only when I reached the top of Renolds Road that I realized where I was, and that I probably could have just taken Priest Hollow or Hatch Run up there and saved myself a bit of agony. The address in question was in Red Oak Campground. I put the bike back down to “Eco” mode, but the lure of “Sport” mode was just too much, and so that’s where I left it almost the entire rest of the night.

When I got to Red Oak, it was quickly becoming dark, and I discovered that the bike’s built in “Pro Light” was woefully insufficient to provide any meaningful illumination. Seriously, I can’t imagine the reason for even having the non-Pro version of this piece of junk. Even worse, every time I hit a bump (which was frequent in Russell), the obnoxiously heavy thing would start tipping toward the front wheel, and this was a constant problem for the rest of the night even after I had tightened it a few times.

After Google tried to send me down an imaginary road a couple of times, I finally made it to Carr Road, where I found a man weed-whacking in the front yard of what I presumed was the address. “Excuse me sir, I’m looking for Micah.” 

He looked at me suspiciously, “do you know Micah?

“No,” I responded, getting off my bike, “but I found his wallet on the side of the road.”

It turns out that the man was his father, and that Micah has lost it on his way home after getting gas. He must have laid it on his car, where it fell off on his way home.

“Tell me you didn’t ride all the way up here just to return this.” 

“Yes,” I responded, “it’s okay: I was planning on being on my bike all night long anyway.”

I turned around to come home, deciding to just follow Scandia Road back down to town, as I’m more familiar with it, and the state of the light wasn’t instilling within me a lot of confidence. While on my way back, a pickup truck pulled up beside me. It was the man again, clearly thankful and he offered me $4 out of his wallet and to give me a ride home. “No need,” I said, “I’m just out here for an adventure.” A car came up behind and we parted ways.

As I made my way back to town around a quarter after 10 PM, I noticed even through the darkness that the clouds over Warren were a much uglier shade of purple than the ones over Scandia. I decided to take Conewango Avenue to go to the downtown Country Fair, as they’re open 24 hours a day and I hadn’t anything to eat since about 6:30 in morning. Just before I got to the lit streets of downtown Warren though, the rain started falling. I wasn’t too concerned, as the XP4.0 is IPX5 rated for splashes and heavy rain (it probably wouldn’t survive a dip in the river, though), but I was concerned about visibility, so I decided to cut the night short and head home (by this point I was down to 30% battery power, and from what I’ve heard after they drop to 20% they start to lose steam). Lucky me, though: Once I got to Pleasant Drive the rain had stopped, the Pleasant Drive Country Fair was still open (although I got attitude from the people there for coming in a little less than two hours before they closed expecting food), and the ride home was pleasant enough.

Getting the bike back up the stairs though… That was a challenge.

So my odometer on the first day is 39 miles over the course of about three hours of riding, which isn’t too shabby (especially considering the terrain and verticality of much of it). I had a lot more fun than I had anticipated.

Final thoughts: I might have to go with a more traditional bicycle saddle than the cushy one that Lectric included, as I’m going to be sore tomorrow from my poor job of adjusting it and the fact that it’s so wide that my fat thighs kept rubbing up against the “horn.” The bike very sturdy and the electric motor is very quiet, but in spite of that there is a lot of rattle noise, mostly from the chain, the battery, and the beefy plastic fenders. If you’re paranoid about every little sound it can weigh on you during the ride, but once you know what these sounds are you can tune them out (but they’ll still always be there). Shifting while going uphill causes the motor to cut out as a safety feature, but you can lose a lot of forward momentum if you’re not careful – you do not want this thing falling over onto you. The included light runs off the bike’s power, which is great, but it just makes me think that the light should have been better. The bike has hydraulic brakes which are a bit noisy but oh-so-abrupt. It definitely feels like the best-stopping bicycle that I’ve ever ridden. Riding was a workout, but not the workout that I’m used to with my road bike; there’s more of a feel of cadence and movement and not the raw strength that’s generally used to climb hills around here. As a result, my bum knee still feels wonky, but not as sore as it would normally be after such a long uphill ride.

Overall a pleasant experience with a few bumps in the road, both figuratively and literally.

Eaters of the Dead

C'mon! Eat the dead! Eat it!

Today I read the 1976 Michael Crichton novel "Eaters of the Dead: The Manuscript of Ibn Fadlan, Relating His Experiences with the Northmen in AD 922."

The basics:

This book is a retelling of the epic poem "Beowulf" as a true-to-life piece of history, complete with sources, bibliographies, and footnotes as evidence. The story follows the Islamic nobleman Ibn Fadlan, a man of Middle Eastern descent, as he is sent as an ambassador to foreign lands by his Caliph, effectively banishing him for being promiscuous with the wife of a rich merchant. We are presented with a translation of his notes as manuscript: A first-person retelling of events which take him from his desert home to northern Europe during the reign of the Viking warriors that populated the region of the time. Once he meets up with these men, he witnesses the death and funeral of a king, and is roped into accompanying the king's presumed heir, Buliwyf on a quest to save another noble's land from an evil known as "The Black Mist." Buliwyf and eleven of his warriors must depart, and they take Ibn along with them to make thirteen. Can Ibn and the band of warriors liberate the land of Rothgar from this evil?

Thoughts on structure:

This should be a textbook case of how one would write historical fiction. While presented in a distinctly modern tone, there are abundant references to real academic works of the time with clarification of translations from the various texts that this was (fictionally) pulled from (usually to humorous effect). While the author in the persona of the researcher is insistent that it is historically significant, it is presented as a high-energy action-adventure with elements of horror and gore mixed in. You're not going to mistake it for a real academic work; that framework is just used as the basis to tell a pretty fun story.

Hollywood connections:

People who know might recognize that this book was adapted into the 1999 film "The 13th Warrior" starring Antonio Banderas, and for the most part that movie follows the book pretty closely, although there are some clear differences and expanded lore in the book. The movie fails in its adaptation in one significant way, and that is the nature of its enemy, the "wendol." I don't want to get into spoiler territory for those who might want to read the book or watch the film, but the book's reveal is a little more rooted in science-fiction and fantasy than the adaptation would have you believe (the book, no kidding, also has dwarves in it, though they're depicted as more of the "Disney" dwarves than anything Tolkien wrote). If you're a fan of Beowulf and want to see a less fantasy-driven telling of the tale that still packs all of the heroism, you really can't go wrong with this story. It's bloody, it's funny, it's got lots of action and intrigue, a lot of (very nondescriptive) sex, and is less than two-hundred pages, so you'll get through it quickly.

Deadpool & Wolverine

I just got through watching "Deadpool and Wolverine."

It's a Deadpool movie, so you know what to expect: Gratuitous violence, a bunch of sophomoric one-liners, cameos heretofore unforeseen, and those oddly heartwarming moments you don't expect.

Overall, it's pretty good; the constant bloody fights between the two leads does get a bit tiresome after a while, but nothing that ruins this otherwise solid film. There are some genuine surprise moments connected to the cameos that are pretty funny, and overall the fourth wall breaking is used sparingly this time but still to great effect (make sure to stay to the end to see one of the funnier pay offs).

Even though some events and characters are connected to the "Loki" television show, you really don't HAVE to see it to understand what's going on (it is briefly explained), and it's all in the service of mocking the film industry's weird obsession with multiverses over the last few years.

If Deadpool isn't your thing, it's entirely skippable -- it's certainly not an important film, but if you have any interest in the 20th Century Fox Marvel properties it's a good romp, and easily recommended despite its "R" rating.

The Beekeeper

Oi! I keeps the Bees!

What's it about?

Tonight, I watched “The Beekeeper” (MGM/Miramax, 2024). Elderly Eloise Parker (Phylicia Rashad… Okay, the mom from “The Cosby Show.” There. Happy?) lives a quiet life isolated in her old farmhouse in rural Massachusetts, estranged from her daughter Verona (Emmy Raver-Lampman) after the death of her soldier son. Her only companion is Adam Clay (Jason Statham), a quiet man who rents space in her barn, tends the fields, and keeps bees on the property. This quiet life is interrupted when she receives a message on her computer telling her that a virus has been detected and her hard drive has been corrupted, along with a service number. Not knowing what to do, Eloise calls the number only to be taken in by a highly specialized group of scammers, who quickly get the trusting old lady to open her accounts for them, whereupon they steal everything, including two million dollars from a charity that she chairs. Upon discovering the theft and unable to cope with the loss, she ends her own life. When Clay discovers her body, he calls his former employers for a favor. His former employers turn out to be a highly secret government organization known as “The Beekeepers,” and their agents have no jurisdictional or legal limitations. Clay quickly tracks down the scammers, beginning a personal war that makes him the target of Verona and the FBI, private security forces, and maybe even the U.S. government itself.

The "Bee" team

Written by schlock-jockey movie extraordinaire Kurt Wimmer, who’s best known for his… let’s just say “questionable” remakes of classic movies (“Total Recall” remake, “Point Break” remake, “Children of the Corn” remake – you get the idea) and “Suicide Squad” director David Ayer (no, not “THE Suicide Squad,” the other, older, less good one) and filmed in the UK in 2022, it was released to theaters back in January of 2024 and went on to make a pretty tidy profit despite its limited budget.

While watching this movie, I had to wonder of Wimmer or someone close to him had been scammed by one of these detestable companies at some point, because they are basically shown as remorseless thieves and killers in their own right, while also being tied to a Q-Anon style conspiracy with the United States Government (represented by Jeremy Irons as former CIA director Wallace Westwyld, using an interesting accent) benefitting from the scam. Add to that the corrupt presidential administration shown in the film, and you begin to see the wheels of conspiracy nuts turning in the background of this movie.

A solid "Bee" movie

Is the acting good? Not really. Is the plot complex? No, not at all. The sets and locations are unusually bland. The bad guys are one-note villains for the most part, portrayed as irretrievably evil or at the very least greedy toadies. There’s not subtilty, no nuance, no grand scheme. With all this said, you’d think that I didn’t like this movie, but…

"Bee" ready, "honey!"

Look, this film isn’t going to win any Oscars. If you’ve ever seen a Jason Statham movie (outside of something directed by Guy Ritchie) then you know EXACTLY what this movie is going to be, and that is extremely action-packed incredibly dumb fun. Once the action starts going, you have Statham flexing his muscles as an unstoppable killing machine, but the movie leans into it in ways you wouldn’t expect, and it is tremendous fun for that alone. “Adam Clay” really isn’t a character at all: He does what he says he’s going to do with no pretense, and in the rare occasions he’s trying to be subtle and stealthy it’s strictly so that his quarry doesn’t run when they see him. I cannot state how much of a relief it is to see action played at a fast clip with absolutely NO slow-motion sequences to speak of (this is NOT a Zack Snyder movie, thank goodness).

Where can you find it?

If you’re a fan of cheesy movies, action movies, and just having a well-executed if extremely dumb time, check this movie out. It’s currently available for purchase on DVD/Blu-Ray and for rental or purchase on all major streaming sites.

Caveman

Love in the Time of Dinosaurs

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgia pic is "Caveman" (United Artists, 1981). In the year 1 zillion, B.C., a tribe of hunter-gatherers is struggling to survive in the harsh wasteland. The threats are many: Giant dinosaurs, huge insects, starvation, and not finding a mate! We follow the exploits of Atouk (Ringo Starr), a small yet clever caveman who has his heart set on a woman named Lana (played by Ringo's then soon-to-be wife, Barbara Bach).

Our everyman -- er, I mean hero!

A smoldering Barbara Bach as Lana (she's the one on the left) 

There's just one problem: Lana belongs to Tonda (a very ripped-looking John Matuszak), the strongest caveman and the humorless leader of the tribe.

Matuszak, as usual, is a joy to watch.

Caught by Tonda after failing to woo Lana, Atouk is run off into the wasteland, where he re-unites with his injured best friend, Lar (Dennis Quaid).

Atouk and Lar

The two set off on adventures, meeting and uniting a band of misfits and outcasts along the way, including the well-meaning Tala (Shelly Long, in her very first theatrical role) and her blind father, Gog (played by the always hilarious Jack Gilford), who Atouk and Lar save from tar pits and dinosaurs.

Tala and Gog

Can the ever-growing tribe of misfits make it in the prehistoric world?

Some background

Written by comedy writers Rudy De Luca and Carl Gottlieb, you may be interested to know that the film was originally co-directed by Gottlieb and special effects guru Jim Danforth (who produced the stop-motion dinosaur effects for the film), Danforth allegedly left the project with a full third of the film left to finish because the Directors Guild of America refused to give him a co-directing credit that he was contractually owed (frustrating, seeing how the effects required nearly seamless integration of the animated footage and the actors).

Honestly, even claymation Ringo looks good!

A childhood favorite

My first exposure to this film was when it aired on HBO a few years after its theatrical release (I had to have been eight or nine at the time). As with most movies that HBO was able to acquire back then, they played it a lot, but I seldom ever turned the channel when it was on.

I love this movie.

This scene made me hungry for fried eggs. It still makes me hungry for fried eggs...

The good

What do you mean, "it's not scientifically accurate?!"

In case it isn't obvious by the cast and the screenshots, this is a slapstick comedy featuring a large amount of visual gags. Nearly the entire film is pantomime, with the cast doing a lot of physical and expressive acting, because, and I can't stress this enough, the characters in the movie speak in grunts and an adorable caveman language, with the one exception to the gag being Nook (played by comedic actor Evan Kim -- the only person of Asian descent in the cast), who seems to be a time traveler from contemporary times stuck in the distant past (not really, but it is pretty hilarious).

I remember him from the best part of "The Kentucky Fried Movie"

John Matuszak's Tonda is of particular note, as his huge physical presence and over-the-top enraged performances are perfectly interlaced with more subtle comedic tones when he's not throwing people. If you liked him as Sloth in "The Goonies" or as Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds," you'll like him here (rest in peace, big guy). The beautiful Barbara Bach (who had trouble finding work after 1977's "The Spy Who Loved Me") as Lana is bronzed and ready for backstabbing as she gleefully torments the smitten Atouk.

The special effects are top-notch, and I would even say that by today's standards. This film is mostly a string of visual gags, and so the creature effects (even if they aren't "realistic") are hilarious.

I love this guy!

The expressions of the dinosaurs are fantastic, and even though they're really just stop-motion puppets they emote so expressively that they come off as cute as they are threatening. The abominable snowman creature is just a guy in a suit, but it's still a great balance of scary and funny, what with his exposed buns and the fact that it's played by acting legend and tall person Richard Moll.

The bad

Even though I enjoy it, that doesn't mean that it doesn't have its bad points (this is an early 1980s comedy, after all). Although it isn't quite as bad as some, there are some moments that haven't aged well. Primarily among these is the scene where Atouk tries to take advantage of Lana after she's passed out from a knockout drug mistakenly meant for Tonda. I found this distasteful.

Other "jokes" that don't quite land include the tribe of misfits being joined by minorities, the differently-abled, and by a couple of gay cavemen. Funnily enough, while this was played for "look at the freaks" laughs back then, it makes the movie more endearing now, as the misfit tribe treats them all as equals and seldom plays the diversity for laughs.

Okay for older kids, with caveats

Should you watch it with kids? Well… I don't know. That's up to you, but it is an eighties movie, and so here are a few red flags to watch for: 1.) The near-rape scene. There's no nudity, and it's pantomimed to be more puppy-love than "sexy," but it is there. 2.) On-screen death. It only happens once at the very beginning, and it isn't graphic or played for laughs, but it does happen. 3.) Bully culture. The cave tribe is depicted as a group of mean-spirited bullies and abusers. While it is played for laughs and they are dealt with by the end of the film, it's there and might be triggering for some children. 4.) The swear word. One of the very few English words in this film is a swear word. It's one of the grossest moments of the film in terms of visual humor, but might encourage your kids to start using it, so be aware that it's there. 5.) Drug use. There is a cannabis-inspired plant in the movie that is used as a knockout drug (not as a recreational drug, though), and a dinosaur is shown high at one point.

Outside of that, the humor is very straightforward and visual, with enough visual humor and a short enough run-time (only about an hour and a half) that it seldom drags and might be able to hold their interest.

Where can you watch it?

"Caveman" is currently streaming on Amazon Prime for free with a monthly subscription as well as on DVD and a 2015 Blu-Ray release.

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

I Sleep Now!

What's it about?

In honor of its 20th anniversary, tonight's nostalgic pic is "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" (Fragmighty/Transom Films/Valenti Entertainment, 2004). Dr. Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire) and his wife Betty (Fay Masterson) are on their way to a rented cabin in the middle of the woods. His mission: To find a meteorite made from the radioactive element atmosphereum for the advancement of science.

"Do you know what this could mean for science? It could mean actual advances in the field of science!"

Meanwhile, another scientist named Dr. Roger Fleming (Brian Howe) is in the forest looking for the nearby Cadavra Cave, the rumored resting place of the fabled Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (Larry Blamire again), which it turns out can only be revived by a radioactive element, atmosphereum.

Our villain.

Keep an eye on that science kit.

Meanwhile, a couple of aliens from the planet Marva named Kro-Bar (Andrew Parks) and Lattis (Susan McConnell) crash land on Earth, with only one thing that can repair their ship: The radioactive element known as atmosphereum.

I'm getting serious "Plan 9 From Outer Space" vibes.

Meanwhile, the aliens' mutant (Darrin Reed) escapes their ship and begins terrorizing the countryside, and it is highly radioactive with atmosphereum.

Yes, it's as funny as it looks.

Meanwhile, using the aliens' technology, Dr. Fleming creates the femme fatale Animala (Jennifer Blaire) to help him infiltrate the Armstrongs' cabin to steal the atmosphereum.

She's made from four animals!

Who will get the atmosphereum? Will the Lost Skeleton conquer the world? I don't know. Oh well.

Some background

This film is writer-director Larry Blamire's love letter to the low-budget sci-fi horror schlock of the 1950s, and it is virtually indistinguishable from the "Z movie" offerings of the time. Filmed with his family and friends on a budget of almost nothing, and partially on location at Bronson Canyon in Griffith Park, Los Angeles, CA (a popular cheap filming location for B movies -- and a few episodes of "Star Trek") with an era-appropriate black and white film grain.

Family: Jennifer Blaire (Animala) is Larry Blamire's real-life wife.

The good

The real star of this film is the script; it's so utterly ridiculous and the dialogue so circular, it instantly evokes the overwrought, earnestly stupid screenplays of the 1950s. The performances and line delivery are all extra hammy and appropriately bad, very fitting for the material. Little touches like Animala's hypnotic go-go dance elevate this to one of the funniest movies of the 2000s.

The filmmakers really knew what they were working on.

The soundtrack is mostly canned samples from old films, which works quite well.

The bad

Not everyone will appreciate this movie, and its middling critical reviews can attest to that fact. There's no high action (actors are seldom put into precarious situations that would require stunt people), and the dialogue's repetitive nature and the slow pacing (things that are hallmarks of this genre) can get old expediently if you're not into it.

The pinnacle of Hollywood special effects: You WILL believe that a skeleton can walk!

There also seems to be a percentage of the population that can't stand watching black and white movies, and if you're one of them then you're not going to have a very good time. Oh well.

Relatively safe for kids

This film is PG for (completely bloodless) deaths and some extremely light innuendo.

The intense mutant v. skeleton fight might be too much for younger viewers (maybe probably).

It is probably quite fine to watch with young children, though the reason this film is so funny will probably fly right over their heads probably. Oh well.

Where can you find it?

I reviewed my DVD copy, but "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" is available to stream for free on Tubi, and is available to rent/buy from multiple providers including Apple TV, Amazon Prime, and YouTube/Google Play.

The Black Cauldron

The original tagline was "Get Boned!" (not really)

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "The Black Cauldron" (Disney, 1985). In the ancient land of Prydain, an evil sorcerer called "The Horned King" (John Hurt) is slowly taking over,

Republicans: "Seems like a good dude!"

his bandit hordes and mythical creatures seeking out magical items and riches all with one goal: To find The Black Cauldron, a powerful ancient relic that can be used to raise an army of the dead.

Yes, the McGuffin this time is a giant heavy metal object. 

All he needs is a lead… Meanwhile, a young assistant pig keeper named Taran (Grant Bardsley) has dreams of being a mighty warrior, seeing his current situation as beneath him.

YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE CREEP! You're caring for ONE PIG!

He has been charged by his master Dallben the Enchanter (Freddie Jones) to watch over a single pig, Hen Wen.

ONE PIG! One TINY pig!

Dallben, an enchanter with a magic pig he can't bother to take care of himself.

One day Hen Wen begins to act unreasonably frightened, scaring young Taran. Dallben reveals to Taran that Hen Wen has the ability to act as a scryer, showing events far away or even the future!

Hen Wen begins to tell the future.

Using Hen Wen's abilities Dallben discovers that The Horned King has discovered Hen Wen, and so he sends Taran with the pig into the forest to hide while he figures out their next move. Immediately, Taran gets distracted and loses sight of Hen Wen. Distraught, he runs into Gurgi (John Byner), a talking small furry creature who appears to be starving and who steals an apple from Taran before offering to help him find the pig.

Gollum by way of Fiverr.

They discover Hen Wen being dragged to The Horned King's castle, where Taran goes to get his pig, only to get captured and forced to reveal the pig's power to find The Black Cauldron.

ONE JOB. You had ONE JOB. 

Taran manages to help Hen Wen escape but is thrown into the dungeon for his trouble. He soon meets a princess named Eilonwy (Susan Sheridan), a plucky young girl with a magical glowing bauble,

"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl! Tee-hee!"

and Fflewddur Fflam (Nigel Hawthorne), a bard with a magical lyre (that ironically loses strings whenever Fflewddur lies).

A liar with a lyre.

Escaping the old castle with the help of a magical sword that Taran finds, the rag-tag group decides to find Hen Wen and The Black Cauldron before The Horned King does!

To be fair, the sword does all the work.

Some background

This is sort of the "black sheep" of the Disney family. It was an unmitigated failure. The total budget ballooned to over $44 million, and its total ticket sales worldwide amounted to less than $22 million. Disney apparently optioned "The Chronicles of Prydain" book series by Lloyd Alexander all the way back in 1971 but had an extremely troubled production. That pushed the original 1980 release date back five years. There were a lot of reasons for this, not in the least of which was that there was a power struggle for the visual style of the film which resulted in much of the original work being thrown out. Further problems were brought on by a new studio chairman (Jeffrey Katzenberg -- before he left to help found DreamWorks) who insisted that the film's ending be severely re-cut to edit out much of the gruesome undead army.

Some good

There's a lot to like about this film. While it looks a bit rough in spots (possibly due to the new crop of animators Disney used on this project, including future director Tim Burton), it's actually quite dynamic, with many action scenes featuring surprisingly complex camera movement and characters moving in 3D space. The cast is pretty good as well, with John Huston (who voiced "Gandalf the Grey" in Rankin/Bass "Hobbit" animated movies) acting as the narrator for the introduction. John Hurt's performance as The Horned King (who "Dungeons & Dragons" players will immediately recognize as a lich) drips with menace and bile. The backgrounds are appropriately run-down and natural, like you would expect in a medieval landscape.

Or a heavy metal album cover.

The ending sequence is the most surprising aspect of this film, the undead army being spooky, horrible, and terrifying, with some implied deaths as well.

Don't watch with young kids.

Some bad

It's not all good, though. There's plenty of bad things to sift through here, starting with Taran. Grant Bardsley plays the character fine, but the character is unlikable, being a daydreaming entitled incompetent whiner that we're stuck with throughout the film; BUT… He does learn his lesson by the end of the film, and that's something. As I mentioned before, for all the flash and dynamic aspects of the animation, it does look rather rough, with pencils showing through much of the paint. The story is crowded and unconventional. I know that it's trying to follow the books, but we're introduced to characters at a breakneck speed while others drop in and out of the film at random times.

The three witches are over-the-top, and brief.

Hen Wen, the main driving force for the first half of the film is absent throughout most of it, and almost entirely gone in the second half, for example. Other little touches (like Eilonwy's bauble) are presented without full explanation, and then seem to disappear when the animators have forgotten about them. Gurgi is presented as a sort of "discount Gollum" serving the purpose of the film's "cute marketable cash-grab," and I would hate him except that by the end of the film I actually felt something for him.

Oh, and these things. Pointless. Stupid. Marketable.

In short

Is it worth watching? Sure. It's one of those weird films where the highs never really reach the high that you want, the lows are never as bad as you expect them to be, and it's entertaining enough to be watchable -- but it's no classic.

Plus, nobody pets this wyvern's belly. He just wants to be a good boy!

Not for the very young

This movie is rated PG for scenes of undead mayhem, implied death, spooky imagery, and probably because Tim Burton worked on it.

Seriously, don't watch with kids unless you want them to sleep with the lights on.

Where can you watch it?

As of this writing, "The Black Cauldron" is available for streaming on Disney+.