The Black Cauldron

The original tagline was "Get Boned!" (not really)

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "The Black Cauldron" (Disney, 1985). In the ancient land of Prydain, an evil sorcerer called "The Horned King" (John Hurt) is slowly taking over,

Republicans: "Seems like a good dude!"

his bandit hordes and mythical creatures seeking out magical items and riches all with one goal: To find The Black Cauldron, a powerful ancient relic that can be used to raise an army of the dead.

Yes, the McGuffin this time is a giant heavy metal object. 

All he needs is a lead… Meanwhile, a young assistant pig keeper named Taran (Grant Bardsley) has dreams of being a mighty warrior, seeing his current situation as beneath him.

YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE CREEP! You're caring for ONE PIG!

He has been charged by his master Dallben the Enchanter (Freddie Jones) to watch over a single pig, Hen Wen.

ONE PIG! One TINY pig!

Dallben, an enchanter with a magic pig he can't bother to take care of himself.

One day Hen Wen begins to act unreasonably frightened, scaring young Taran. Dallben reveals to Taran that Hen Wen has the ability to act as a scryer, showing events far away or even the future!

Hen Wen begins to tell the future.

Using Hen Wen's abilities Dallben discovers that The Horned King has discovered Hen Wen, and so he sends Taran with the pig into the forest to hide while he figures out their next move. Immediately, Taran gets distracted and loses sight of Hen Wen. Distraught, he runs into Gurgi (John Byner), a talking small furry creature who appears to be starving and who steals an apple from Taran before offering to help him find the pig.

Gollum by way of Fiverr.

They discover Hen Wen being dragged to The Horned King's castle, where Taran goes to get his pig, only to get captured and forced to reveal the pig's power to find The Black Cauldron.

ONE JOB. You had ONE JOB. 

Taran manages to help Hen Wen escape but is thrown into the dungeon for his trouble. He soon meets a princess named Eilonwy (Susan Sheridan), a plucky young girl with a magical glowing bauble,

"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl! Tee-hee!"

and Fflewddur Fflam (Nigel Hawthorne), a bard with a magical lyre (that ironically loses strings whenever Fflewddur lies).

A liar with a lyre.

Escaping the old castle with the help of a magical sword that Taran finds, the rag-tag group decides to find Hen Wen and The Black Cauldron before The Horned King does!

To be fair, the sword does all the work.

Some background

This is sort of the "black sheep" of the Disney family. It was an unmitigated failure. The total budget ballooned to over $44 million, and its total ticket sales worldwide amounted to less than $22 million. Disney apparently optioned "The Chronicles of Prydain" book series by Lloyd Alexander all the way back in 1971 but had an extremely troubled production. That pushed the original 1980 release date back five years. There were a lot of reasons for this, not in the least of which was that there was a power struggle for the visual style of the film which resulted in much of the original work being thrown out. Further problems were brought on by a new studio chairman (Jeffrey Katzenberg -- before he left to help found DreamWorks) who insisted that the film's ending be severely re-cut to edit out much of the gruesome undead army.

Some good

There's a lot to like about this film. While it looks a bit rough in spots (possibly due to the new crop of animators Disney used on this project, including future director Tim Burton), it's actually quite dynamic, with many action scenes featuring surprisingly complex camera movement and characters moving in 3D space. The cast is pretty good as well, with John Huston (who voiced "Gandalf the Grey" in Rankin/Bass "Hobbit" animated movies) acting as the narrator for the introduction. John Hurt's performance as The Horned King (who "Dungeons & Dragons" players will immediately recognize as a lich) drips with menace and bile. The backgrounds are appropriately run-down and natural, like you would expect in a medieval landscape.

Or a heavy metal album cover.

The ending sequence is the most surprising aspect of this film, the undead army being spooky, horrible, and terrifying, with some implied deaths as well.

Don't watch with young kids.

Some bad

It's not all good, though. There's plenty of bad things to sift through here, starting with Taran. Grant Bardsley plays the character fine, but the character is unlikable, being a daydreaming entitled incompetent whiner that we're stuck with throughout the film; BUT… He does learn his lesson by the end of the film, and that's something. As I mentioned before, for all the flash and dynamic aspects of the animation, it does look rather rough, with pencils showing through much of the paint. The story is crowded and unconventional. I know that it's trying to follow the books, but we're introduced to characters at a breakneck speed while others drop in and out of the film at random times.

The three witches are over-the-top, and brief.

Hen Wen, the main driving force for the first half of the film is absent throughout most of it, and almost entirely gone in the second half, for example. Other little touches (like Eilonwy's bauble) are presented without full explanation, and then seem to disappear when the animators have forgotten about them. Gurgi is presented as a sort of "discount Gollum" serving the purpose of the film's "cute marketable cash-grab," and I would hate him except that by the end of the film I actually felt something for him.

Oh, and these things. Pointless. Stupid. Marketable.

In short

Is it worth watching? Sure. It's one of those weird films where the highs never really reach the high that you want, the lows are never as bad as you expect them to be, and it's entertaining enough to be watchable -- but it's no classic.

Plus, nobody pets this wyvern's belly. He just wants to be a good boy!

Not for the very young

This movie is rated PG for scenes of undead mayhem, implied death, spooky imagery, and probably because Tim Burton worked on it.

Seriously, don't watch with kids unless you want them to sleep with the lights on.

Where can you watch it?

As of this writing, "The Black Cauldron" is available for streaming on Disney+.

Eight Crazy Nights

76 Wasted Minutes

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "Eight Crazy Nights" (Columbia Pictures, 2002). Davey Stone (Adam Sandler) is a public nuisance during the holidays, getting drunk, dine-and-dashing, stealing from his neighbors, and ultimately destroying Dukesberry's holiday decorations, giant ice sculptures in the shape of Santa Clause and a menorah awkwardly placed by one another in the center of town.

Honestly, this is probably just Adam Sandler before SNL

He's swiftly caught and almost sentenced to prison when a 70-year-old man named Whitey (also voiced by Adam Sandler) offers to take stewardship of Davey while he referees youth basketball, a sport which Davey dominated in his youth.

The moment this guy comes on screen, abandon all hope of entertainment.

Davey quickly begins to cause headaches for Whitey, but after being reunited with his childhood sweetheart, Jennifer (Jackie Titone, later married to Adam Sandler in real life) and her son, Benjamin (Austin Stout), Davey begins to take an interest in teaching the boy how to play basketball.

Generic character model, meet generic voice actress.

This is cut short when Davey's trailer is burned down leaving him homeless.

The movie depicts this as arson, but veterans of trailer park fires know that it didn't have to be.

Whitey takes Davey in to live with him and his sister, the equally diminutive Eleanore (ALSO VOICED BY ADAM SANDLER).

Just when you think that the movie can't get any worse, it doubles down.

Just when it appears that Davey is starting his upward climb, he begins to slide again. Can Davey get his life back on track and help the people he loves?

Some background

This is a "Happy Madison" production, and as such it features Adam Sandler and quite a few of his "Saturday Night Live" alumni in various roles, as well as several of his friends who turn up in minor roles, mostly animated to look like their real-life counterparts, including Kevin Nealon as the Dukesberry mayor and Jon Lovitz in a brief cameo.

Yep. That's Jon Lovitz all right...

Other stars associated with Happy Madison show up as minor cameos, including Carl Weathers and Tyra Banks.

The bad

Hey, remember when Adam Sandler made funny movies? They were weird, loud, and a little bit offensive, but they were funny! That was over by the time this came out. THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE. Let's break down why:

The Cast

Adam Sandler plays the three main characters in this movie: Davey, Whitey, and Eleanore, and while I can laud his performance of Eleanore (it's pretty good), the character and voice performance of Whitey is outright insulting. The character's voice is irritating, as it's just Adam Sandler doing a falsetto. If you haven't seen the movie, you might not realize just how annoying this character sounds. Most of the cast are not professional voice actors, and unfortunately, it's pretty noticeable. Hey, who's that who does the outwardly racist performance of the Chinese restaurateur? Why, it's our good friend on-the-record xenophobe and Republican apologist Rob Schneider, doing a funny voice! Look how funny!

"Screw this movie." -Roger Ebert, probably.

Screw this movie.

The Animation

At first glance, you'll marvel at how good the animation in this movie is. It almost looks like a Disney "renaissance" picture, with soft colored linework, solid character models, and that colorful style. On second look, you'll begin to notice something seems amiss, but it's still good; it looks a lot like the animation and character design from 1999's "The Iron Giant." Still a good movie with decent animation, right? On the third look, it hits you: Whatever the voice actor is emoting, the characters seem dead-eyed and unreactive. Every character looks like they're using the same deadpan expression, ranging from "tired" to "extremely tired," to "oh crap, they forgot to draw on the eyelids." In short, it looks better than it has a right to be, but still isn't as good as it first appears.

You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it.

The Music

While the singing was happening (yes, this is a musical to an extent), I remember thinking, "this isn't very good." But after the movie was over, I couldn't remember a single one, except Sandler's reprisal of "The Chanukah Song" that plays over the end credits. This was common for animated films of the time: Stretch out the time of your extremely short, animated movie by adding messy and unnecessary musical numbers (see: "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut"). If anyone complains about the lack of quality, just say "that's the joke, plebian!"

The Holiday

Look, I get that there aren't a lot of Chanukah movies out there. I get that there are other religions and faiths that are underrepresented during the Christmas season. But here's the rub: If you're going to make a movie to address this, why not make Chanukah the theme? This movie goes out of its way to mention Judaism, Chanukah, menorahs, and dreidels, and then puts all of this stuff in the background and basically ignores it for the entire movie. The most religious thing in the movie is the town's mall -- I'm not making that up. Whitey goes to the mall to clear his head. A drunk Davey breaks into the mall and is assaulted by hallucinations in the form of store logos (real stores with real product placement in this movie, by the way, although many of them have since gone out of business… RIP KB Toys…).

People "of a certain age" will recognize these brands.

Whitey in his lowest moment goes to a darkened mall and gets sympathy from the store logos. Even the whole town meets at the mall at the end to cheer Whitey. It's just… bizarre (and a little bit icky). It's so bad, in fact, that when Davey finally has his emotional epiphany it's hard for the audience (or at least me) to feel anything.

Don't watch with kids

This one's not for kids. It's clearly meant to be an adult comedy, with some swearing and very adult gross-out humor (way too much of it), which is ironic because this is exactly the sort of lowbrow tripe many kids like. You won't be having fun, but your kids would because of all the dirty stuff that isn't original or funny.

Why would you watch this? Sorry, I mean, where can you find it?

As of this writing, "Eight Crazy Nights" is streaming on Amazon Prime video for no extra cost but do yourself a favor and skip it.

The Hobbit (Rankin-Bass)

Hot Furry Feet! Sort Of!

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "The Hobbit" (Rankin/Bass Productions, 1977). Bilbo Baggins (Orson Bean) is just an ordinary Hobbit, a miniature humanoid with exceptionally hairy feet that lives in the lands of The Shire.

"Oh bother! I seem to have eaten all of my hunny!"

He's proud that he never has adventures of any kind… That is, until the wandering wizard Gandalf the Grey (John Huston) railroads the diminutive Bilbo into his adventuring party consisting of himself and twelve dwarves led by Thorin Oakenshield (Hans Conried).

A decidedly more sinister Gandalf, but awesome nonetheless.

Thorin Oakenshield, leader of the dwarves.

Their mission: To take back their homeland, The Lonely Mountain, from the clutches of the evil dragon Smaug!

"Actually, it's Smog. I'm from the west coast."

Along the way, the intrepid Bilbo finds treasure, powerful magical artifacts, and the scariest thing of all: Adventure!

Adventure = Trolls (not the internet kind)

Some background

This is the first finished feature-length adaptation of the renowned J.R.R. Tolkien novel, "The Hobbit." This cartoon production was developed for television by Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin Jr., who are well-known for their stop motion holiday cartoons, most notably "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" (1964) and "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" (1970).

Less popular: Goblin Claws is Comin' to Town (1979)

It originally aired in America on the American Broadcasting Corporation (ABC), but is best known from its syndicated appearances since. The film's unique anime-like style is due to the film being directed by a Japanese man named Toru Hara and animated by his studio, Topcraft.

Because of the art style, the scenes look very painterly.

While Topcraft worked with Rankin-Bass Productions throughout the 1970s and early 1980s, they eventually dissolved, only to later reform under the moniker Studio Ghibli, a name anime and movie fans will certainly remember.

Not perfect, but what is perfection?

Naturally, in this hour-and-a-half production there had to be some truncated story elements, as well as certain scenes and characters being omitted completely (there is no Beorn the werebear, for example). Most of the dwarves don't have speaking roles outside of Thorin, although the rotund Bombur (Paul Frees) and Balin (Don Messick, the original voice of Scooby Doo) do occasionally speak.

When Thorin speaks, it's... usually an insult or snide remark.

There's no Arkenstone (one of the key points of the novel) and barely any time spent on the Battle of the Five Armies, though it is presented as a definite anti-war message.

The show really leans into the horror and pointlessness of war.

Some viewers will be put off by the amount of singing in this movie (it's a lot), but adapted songs sung by folk singer Glenn Yarbrough as well as others featuring Thurl "Tony The Tiger" Ravenscroft are as memorable as they are hokey.

A personal favorite

I love this movie. I never saw it when it aired originally (I was but a mere two years old at the time), but I had the Disney book & record growing up and it always intrigued me. A few years later when I finally saw the film I fell in love with it. It's still a good time in my opinion: It's definitely a unique take on the material, with a gorgeous illustrative style that highlights the weird world of Tolkien. My personal favorite thing in this movie is the character of Gollum (Theodore Gottlieb), who is much more monstrous and frog-like in this interpretation than in later revisions, and I feel that it works better.

He's scarier, funnier, and more twisted to his environment than Andy Serkis's interpretation.

Better than... "other attempts."

Now, just for contrast, I revile the Peter Jackson "Hobbit" movies. I feel that their additions to the story are needless and take what is a very humorous and straightforward adventure story into an utterly humorless mini-Lord of the Rings, and because of this they lose the soul of the book. The Rankin-Bass animated version, on the other hand, still delights me.

Burt... er, BARD the bowman.

Is it safe for kids?

There's no bad language, no nudity or sexuality, but there is a lot of implied death towards the end (there are no bloody action scenes, every time a sword strikes someone the screen switches to a kaleidoscope style effect and some scary moments with monsters that might frighten young children, but otherwise this is a soft PG at most.

Oh yeah, and this is what wood elves look like in the movie. Have fun, kids!

Where can you find it?

As of this writing it is streaming on Max (formerly HBO Max) and is available to rent or buy from Amazon Prime Video. I reviewed my DVD copy.

Fun and Fancy Free. The Disney One.

Fun and Fancy Free

What's it all about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "Fun and Fancy Free" (Disney, 1947). In the spirit of other Disney films of the time, this one is a musical vignette program comprising two short segments intercut with framing segments.

Yumpin' Yiminy!

We are first introduced to our host, Jiminy Cricket (Cliff Edwards) who leads us to our first story, "Bongo," narrated by Dinah Shore.

Bongo

Bongo is a circus bear, an incredibly talented performer who brings joy to audiences everywhere… but behind the scenes he's treated as a slave and lives a lonely, solitary existence.

We've all been there, am I right?

One day on the circus train his longing for freedom reaches new heights and he manages to break free, slipping away into the wilderness.

Yep, a breath of insect-filled, pollen-laden fresh air!

For the first time in his life he tastes freedom and nature, and is doubly enamored when he meets Lulubelle, a similarly sized female bear.

Disney formula: Same as the male character model with eyelashes and pink clothing.

Bear bottoms in the grass with bear-nekkid onlookers.

The two are getting to know each other when they're interrupted by the hulking Lumpjaw, a bully bear with eyes for Lulubelle.

The bigger, more powerful version of the hero used in current Disney films...

When Bongo tries to stand up for her, Lulubelle delivers him a few slaps to the face, and then inadvertently slaps Lumpjaw, who sweeps her up in his arms. Hurt by what he perceives as a betrayal by Lulubelle, Bongo retreats dejectedly, only to discover that the wild bears show their affection by delivering slaps to one another.

Seems healthy.

Can Bongo win back his love from his larger rival?

Mickey and the Beanstalk

Our second story is told by ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his "friends" Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd (both his stage dummies who are articulated by other performers in this segment) for the young Luana Patten.

I'm not gonna lie: This was funnier than I was expecting.

This is the story of "Jack and the Beanstalk" with Mickey Mouse (Walt Disney), Goofy (Pinto Colvig), and Donald Duck (Clarence Nash) standing in for the characters of Jack and his mother. In the land of Happy Valley, all is peace and happiness thanks to the magical music of the Singing Harp (Anita Gordon), until she is abducted by some unknown force.

Damsel (instrument?) in distress.

The land quickly dries up and becomes unlivable, with its few remaining inhabitants starving in the once-prosperous land. In this harsh environment, farmers Mickey, Donald, and Goofy are forced to sell their precious cow in order to avoid starvation.

No, you're not playing "Kingdom Hearts."

Mickey trades the cow for some magic beans, which after a confrontation with Donald are lost down a hole in the farmhouse floor.

The sense of scale in some of these shots is impressive for the time.

That night in the moonlight, the beans grow uncontrollably, hoisting the trio into the stratosphere where they come upon a castle owned by Willie the Giant (Billy Gilbert).

If he's just dumb, is he still really a villain?

They quickly discover that the monster has stolen the harp to help him sleep. Can the three diminutive heroes rescue the harp and restore Happy Valley?

A product of a specific timeframe

As I have mentioned before in other reviews, this film comes from a time when Walt Disney's studio was more focused on short musical cartoons rather than feature-length films. This one has a little of the live-action mixed with animation magic that Disney was developing at the time and later perfected with "Mary Poppins."

"Mixed media" seems an apt description.

It's pretty short, clocking in at just under one and one-quarter hours, which makes it a perfect film for people with short attention spans.

Not exactly a classic...

Chances are that unless you're a Disney diehard, you've never seen or heard of this feature. While it's similar in structure and length to "The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad," it really doesn't have the staying power of that other film. The "Bongo" segment is very forgettable, following story beats that were cliché even at that time.

Even these guys forgot about it.

I don't know if this has contributed to the collective ignorance of "Bongo," and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but there seems to be an approval (even glorification) of domestic violence in this segment. The "Beanstalk" portion isn't even the first time Mickey Mouse fought a giant, as he already encountered one in "The Brave Little Tailor" short from 1938. The most memorable contribution to Disney arcana in this motion picture was Willie the Giant, who appeared again as the Ghost of Christmas Present in 1983's "Mickey's Christmas Carol" (unfortunately repeating many of the same jokes).

Kiss him!

Better than it might seem

That's not to say that this movie isn't without its merits: For one, the animation is pretty good. It's not going to win any awards, but it is competently done nonetheless. The film is also extremely funny in spots. The Edgar Bergen dialog is more humorous than I was expecting, and really shows why he was such a draw for so long. The beanstalk segment is another great example of Donald Duck being a complete murderous psychopath, which is always disturbingly pleasant to see. The sense of scale in the fight with Willie is communicated well, and overall "Beanstalk" is the standout of the two featurettes.

Might not be great for kids

If you're of a certain age, you probably saw much worse when you were a kid, but the more humorous jokes will probably fly over most children's heads, while the violence introduced in the "Bongo" segment and implied murderousness of Donald Duck may be a bit much for modern kids to appreciate. Also, ventriloquist dummies are creepy at any age, so just be cautious when watching with younger kids.

Where can I find it?

"Fun and Fancy Free" is currently streaming on Disney+.