Help Me, Internet!

The problem:

So, there's this girl that I like.  I have (really) liked this girl for a long time.  We've been pretty good friends for awhile, and I never wanted to ruin that friendship by admitting that I had feelings for this girl (well, I guess that technically she's a woman, but I digress), so I kept it to myself.

So during one of my spells of boneheaded insensitivity I criticized something this girl said, and we got into an argument, and then I did something unbelievably stupid:

I told her how I felt about her.

This is not something that I normally do with women.  I am an emotional coward, and my tendency is to usually just wait until they find someone else that has better looks, more money, or a nicer personality and then to write it off as "c'est la vie." If I stay away I can usually stay friends for a very long time, which to me is better than nothing, which is what I usually have after I ask a woman out.

Now, she's a nice person, to be sure.  She talked to me after I told her this (two days ago).  She told me (before) my confession that my most unattractive trait was my negativity.

Hard pills:

Now it's true that I have a predisposition towards the negative.  I'm no optimist, quite frankly.  But over the last few years I've actually started to come out of that funk, but unfortunately she only knows me by reputation beforehand.  I am still very self-deprecating, and I have a weird need for positive reinforcement that comes from growing up with excessive negative reinforcement.  I understand this, and it's one of the things I've been trying to change.  This has been helped by (of all things) supplementing my diet to keep me from the deep lows that I have fallen into in the past.  I haven't had any for awhile, but old habits are hard to break. On her end she's been going through a tough spell of late, and I also fear that my advances have come off as predatory.  This wasn't my intention, but I wanted to comfort her in her time of need. 

How I handled it:

I made her a music video.  It's really just me singing badly but it does have several layered special effects and I'm not ashamed to say that it took me a while to make (and several crashes of the software messed up some effects) but it was nothing if not funny.  No, I'm not going to show it to you.  It's private.

I've been trying really hard not to text her, but since that day she's barely said two words to me.  My fears are confirmed today:  she is avoiding me.  I opened Pandora's box, but after the monsters flew out there doesn't seem to be much hope left. I'm out of ideas.

Help me, internet!

I'm probably just going to give it time, even if she ends up stomping on my heart I can't change the way I feel about her. I'm still looking for advice, no matter how crazy or boneheaded you want to be, I want you to share your stories, I want you to tell people that you're hurt and you're not even sure why, or that you overcame the odds.  I want to hear your comments, so that I can find camaraderie and maybe even a little hope!

Oh, okay. Here it is. Yes, I am a dork!

My whiny blog continues.

I feel confident that I can throw this out there, seeing as no one reads my blog anyway.  Not that I'm blaming anyone for not reading any of my blogs, as they aren't updated very often, and are usually about things that I am disgusted with or other deviations in the realm of cynicism... but I digress.

So, there is a girl that I've liked for a very long time now.  I haven't felt it appropriate to tell this girl that I like her for a number of reasons, which I'll go into now:

1. She deserves someone taller, thinner, and more handsome than I
2. She needs someone that can provide for her, which I can't do.
3. She's 10 years younger than me, which is a pretty big deal in my book.
4. She's Christian, I am an atheist.  This always causes problems.
5. She has "the hots" for someone else.
6. I will not be the stone around her neck.

Now, I would have liked to have gotten to know this girl a bit more before making any rash decisions, but I can't help it, I like her all the same.

Hell, my friends even knew that I liked her, as I found out just over a month ago.   The problem is, I know she doesn't like me (who could blame her, eh?).  As I've stated before, my radar for knowing when a girl is or isn't interested doesn't work so well, and has also been warped by nearly 16 years of being alone.  But today... today I can take the hint.

I found out that Pittsburgh's "Cinema in the Park" was playing Sherlock Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law tonight at Schenley Park in Oakland.  I sent her a text early (at 9:30 a.m.) because I knew she had the day off and I wanted to see if she'd want to go with me, for two reasons: 1) I hate going to places like that by myself, and 2) I wanted to spend some time with her without our friends hovering around us.  I waited until around 2:00 in the afternoon, and she still hadn't replied, so I sent another text: "I'll take that as a "no." It will probably rain anyway."

A little while later, I got my reply.

She had been doing housework, and missed the first text, but decided that she was going to stay in today.  I lost out to housework.  Obviously, this girl is not interested in me at all, and I sent her a text back to let her know that I understood, and that I wouldn't bother her anymore.  Of course, this means avoiding her (and the rest of my friends) for any future get-togethers.

It's okay, I've been alone for so long, I think that I might actually prefer it.

Ms. Arndt, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm moving on, I won't embarrass you with this anymore, and all I wish is that you find true happiness.

Soapbox

Something really got my goat the other day. I was going to "The Beehive" (a coffee-house in the Southside of Pittsburgh) with my friend Bill W. Sitting out in front of the Beehive was Bill's friend (of a friend) Katie. I recognized Katie as the girl that works at the Southside Record Exchange, a place I frequently shop, not in the least because they have very cheap used video games.

Despite all of her tattoos and piercings, Katie is a very lithe and attractive girl. Because of this, Katie was crying and looked like she really wanted to be left alone - so of course all sorts of guys were trying to console her.

I've heard the story before, of course, primarily from my college days:
Attractive girl dates attractive guy who treats her like crap and eats away her self-esteem so that she thinks she needs him, then attractive guy cheats on her and threatens to dump her when she finds out. Attractive girl then wonders what's wrong with her that attractive guy doesn't like.

Strong language follows; children should be warned.

I sat and listened to her story, but offered no words of empathy. I'm tired of trying to coddle attractive people when they have relationship problems. The crowd of guys sitting around her vying for her affection should have shown her that there is nothing wrong with her, and that she's just been dating an asshole.

Fuck her. Fuck them all. I haven't had a date in five years, and haven't had a girlfriend in almost thirteen. I've been exploring the reasons why, and oddly enough my reasons are very similar to Katie's, and that's the problem: we're both attracted to attractive people. Unfortunately, almost all attractive men are assholes. My problem is that I'm an asshole AND I'm unattractive. Even when I'm not trying to be an asshole I am blatantly ignored by attractive people. They ignore what I say, and usually my very presence. Women run at the sight of me, because all women know that they can do better, and I don't deny that. For those of you that doubt me, I tested this theory at an art party the other night, and that's when I made the connection.

I noticed it a few weeks ago when I went to a dance hall for a free dance lesson - there were FAR more women than men (about two-to-one), yet when they had us pair up, I was alone. There was a gap where there was no woman. Down the line, women were doubling up rather than pairing up with me. Rather than stay there alone, I packed up my things and left.

But I am not attracted to terribly unattractive people either. Ironically, not because they're ugly - I have been trying to be more active lately, and dating someone who weighs more than me might prove counter to that interest. Unfortunately, the few women who do contact me through various dating services are so heavy-set that they are obviously sedentary. Before you accuse me of being a pig, by the way, please observe that there (many) men out there that prefer that body type, I just don't happen to be one of them.

I do have a few "women" friends. The problem is that 90% of them are married and are friends with other women who are married and/or going steady. The ones that aren't are warned away from me early on. I am friends with a few women that I would never date, but this is primarily due to religious and personality differences. My point is that there is no woman on this planet that I would be interested in who would be interested in me, or even get to know me before we started dating, which is what I'd prefer (friends first).

Topping everything else off, I never really learned how to talk to women back when I was still just kind-of ugly, not my current level of fugliness, and looking back there were a couple that were interested, but I was too scared to interact with them.

I know that this will be read by my family and friends more than anyone else, I don't care. I've explained this to people before - if it seems like I'm bitter about it, the truth is I am, and I know that I'm to blame, so please quit reminding me! I'm aware of the problem, but without hundreds of thousands of dollars in plastic surgery I don't know how to fix it.