Sunday, June 6, 2010

Relationships... bile... and relationships... again...

I wrote this back in June, but given my current level of solidarity it seems most appropriate to publish it now.

There is no more noble or terrible thing than unrequited love.  

Initially, it gives one a sense of hope, an exhilaration of finding one's self, that feeling that you could be with another person for the rest of your life and never be happier.

Then, when it becomes obvious that the other party doesn't review one's relationship that way,  one begins to believe that over time the other person may notice and love the qualities that one possesses, and that this observation might one day develop into attraction.

But given enough time, unrequited love will drive people to near insanity.  It erodes their self-esteem, puts them in a near-unshakable state of denial, which finally culminates in some sort of emotional disconnect or even physical violence.

I've seen it happen time and time again, whether it be religious zealotry, sports fanaticism, company loyalty, or even (gasp) the love between two people.   I've experienced it a few times in my life - I make no excuses, though, most of the anxiety and angst I've felt in pursuit of love stems from my fear of rejection and introverted shyness.  Yes, I am shy - I have reason to be:

-I'm at least sixty pounds overweight.

-I'm nearly entirely bald

-I'm nearsighted

-I'm ugly (it is scientifically proven that people with symmetrical faces are more attractive, and mine kind of curves to one side thanks to a childhood injury)

-I'm short (only 5'6")

Now, despite these physical setbacks, which are time-proven things that I cannot overcome (I did lose the weight once at the cost of being tired, sore, and hungry for about six months and I just couldn't continue on like that), I could make up for it with wealth and personality, except:

-I'm poor (I've averaged only $8000 a year since I was sixteen - that's 19 years!) with no foreseeable hope of improving my fiduciary standing 

-I'm stupid, despite what the I.Q. tests say

-I'm short-tempered and impatient

-My upbringing has made me base and crude

Even discounting that there are women out there desperate enough to date someone with these faults, my faults continue when you consider there are women that I won't date, which unsurprisingly are exactly the kind of women you would expect to have low standards:

-Chain smokers (via my dad, I lived with smoke my entire childhood, and I'll not be subjected to it again!)

-The severely overweight (I need someone who won't be too tired to go for walks or bike rides)

-Vegans (vegetarians are kind of a gray area, but vegans irritate me to no end)

-Red heads (I don't want to offend, but my mom, several aunts, and a sister are red-heads, and it's very hard for me to deal with this from a familiarity point of view.  I am averse to severe freckles as well.  This is just my taste)

-Asians  (don't get me wrong, this isn't a racial thing - there are women of Asian descent that I find very attractive, but I have no attraction to (any) race, just individuals.  I use Asians as an example because they are often the object of weird fetishes that give me the willies)

-Single mothers (I just don't think that I'm ready to be a father; or at least, I need the time to prepare myself mentally)

It's also fairly well-known that I am an atheist, though I'm not militant about it.  I understand that most people want to be part of a group and accepted, but I cannot condone the insane mythology that almost every religion promotes.  I studied mythology extensively in my younger years.  I desperately wanted "magical miracles" to be real... but they're not.  Get over it and try to make the world a better place yourself instead of waiting for the flying spaghetti monster to make it better for you.  I believe that Jehovah is a myth and that Jesus is an invention by the first Christians, and I have to believe it.  The only other explanation is that Jehovah is either ignorant of our existence or is a vindictive attention-starved child, and neither of those thoughts bring me peace at night.  Ignoring the metaphysical, religion is just an outmoded control system designed to steal time, resources, and inspiration from people capable of creating miracles on their own so that the congregation can take all the credit.  I admire what they profess that they try to do, but I have no love for how they do it.  Yeah, I try to avoid Christians too.

Thus, I have systematically eliminated every woman of every creed.  There are ones who won't have me, and the rest I don't want.

So, I'll be alone, here, slowly cutting my ties to human relationships one by one until there's nothing left except a miserable shell of a person waiting for the inevitable end.  Is this what I want?  Yes.  No.  I don't know what I want.  I have never known what I want, because everything in the world is just out of my reach, and irrational thoughts and phobias keep me from that.

Anyway, if you stayed around for the whole thing, thanks for reading!


Mark Fisher said...

So, here's another question. If you don't know what you want then why don't you spend time figuring it out what is you want?

As far as improving your financial status, you should apply for the FBI Fingerprint Division. It's a good job that I doubt is going away and they hire tones of people in Clarksburg, WV. It's only about two hours south of Pittsburgh, just a little farther than were I live. I think the initial application is at


Mark Fisher said...

Wow, I sound like I'm fron another country- "What it is you want" and "tons" not "tones." Geesh.

Mark Fisher said...

"from" not "fron." Arrrggghhh

ARCWuLF said...

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out what I want. I've never been able to pin it down. No amount of time, religion, or education has ever given me any insight into what I want or what I need to be happy. All I know is that in a just world I would have died of appendicitis when I was fourteen, and maybe it would have been better for everyone if I had. I gained a second chance at life and blew it.

Mark Fisher said...

Trust me Mike. You haven't blown it. We are not that old! : ) I spent until my late 20's floundering around trying to figure out what I wanted from life. I was 28 when I went back to school- which actually helped me figure out what I wanted to do.

The world has never been just, either.