I was listening to NPR podcasts today, and somewhere between the Dolly Parton interview and the Texas secessionists whining about how Obama stole their country, there was a small piece on "The Achieve Act," which is the Republican answer to the Democratic "Dream Act," only about as unfair, stupid, and corrupt as you'd expect from a political party that's still trying to pander to an ever-shrinking group of Tea Party dimwits.
And then it happened; I had an epiphany, and now I've gone and solved the illegal immigration problem in this country - and the best part is, it's deviously simple:
Anyone who comes to America, for any length of time, immediately becomes an American citizen.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! We'll have even more useless Latino moochers on the dole!" I'll respond to that in two ways:
- SHUT THE HELL UP YOU RACIST REDNECK BASTARDS.
- Look, the hard-working oppressed people that are causing the problem are already here causing the problem. Giving them immediate and unquestioning citizenship solves everything.
It benefits immigrants
Allow me to explain the benefits. Automatic citizenship takes these individuals and makes them responsible for paying taxes and into social security. It requires them to be subject to Obamacare in 2014 so they'll no longer be a drain on our health care system, being subject to the same contributions and penalties as everyone else. Their children will be subject to the same compulsory education that our kids are, meaning that these children will finally be able to integrate with society without the constant threat of deportation.
It benefits workers rights
Just think of how relieved all of those white, white collar businessmen will feel knowing that their gardener, their maid, and all of the workers in their sweatshops won't be deported for virtually no reason, and that as a full American citizen that they'll be free to enjoy all of the sexual harassment protection, workplace discrimination laws, and workplace safety requirements that every non-brown American is entitled to! That freedom will be totally worth paying the extra money to make sure that these people are provided with a living wage and overtime bonuses! And with the added citizens making further contributions to our GDP and deficit reduction, tax rates can afford to go down all around!
It benefits law enforcement
From a law enforcement standpoint, the benefits are even more tangible. The borders will no longer have to be under constant vigil -- if these people want to come here, let them come. All we have to do is find them and register them, and since we're making the American dream more accessible to everyone, trafficking both human and drug will dramatically fall. What's that? An international criminal came to America and purchased guns with drugs before absconding back across the border? Guess what? Because they're now an American citizen, they're subject to our extradition laws, our courts, and our prisons. Your legal reach has now extended far beyond the mere borders of this country! We'll still need immigration officials, though, as we'll need to have a more accurate census of who has come to the country.
There are options for foreigners
Of course, if someone doesn't want to be an American citizen, then they have two options. They can file for a "Reverse Visa," (which rakes potential visitors over the coals of our always delightfully efficient and inexpensive bureaucratic system), or they can just stay out of the country. Sounds simple enough, right? Of course, these RV-holding individuals will have diplomatic immunity and every courtesy afforded to their decision to come here and not be part of our Democracy. People will still be able to have dual-citizenship with other countries, but they'll still have to pay their proper taxes to the U.S.A., or else! It's okay, Mr. and Mrs. Schicklegruber - if you want to visit Disneyland, but don't want the IRS breathing down your neck for the rest of your life, you could always go to Euro Disney instead!