Something really got my goat the other day. I was going to "The Beehive" (a coffee-house in the Southside of Pittsburgh) with my friend Bill W. Sitting out in front of the Beehive was Bill's friend (of a friend) Katie. I recognized Katie as the girl that works at the Southside Record Exchange, a place I frequently shop, not in the least because they have very cheap used video games.
Despite all of her tattoos and piercings, Katie is a very lithe and attractive girl. Because of this, Katie was crying and looked like she really wanted to be left alone - so of course all sorts of guys were trying to console her.
I've heard the story before, of course, primarily from my college days:
Attractive girl dates attractive guy who treats her like crap and eats away her self-esteem so that she thinks she needs him, then attractive guy cheats on her and threatens to dump her when she finds out. Attractive girl then wonders what's wrong with her that attractive guy doesn't like.
Strong language follows; children should be warned.
I sat and listened to her story, but offered no words of empathy. I'm tired of trying to coddle attractive people when they have relationship problems. The crowd of guys sitting around her vying for her affection should have shown her that there is nothing wrong with her, and that she's just been dating an asshole.
Fuck her. Fuck them all. I haven't had a date in five years, and haven't had a girlfriend in almost thirteen. I've been exploring the reasons why, and oddly enough my reasons are very similar to Katie's, and that's the problem: we're both attracted to attractive people. Unfortunately, almost all attractive men are assholes. My problem is that I'm an asshole AND I'm unattractive. Even when I'm not trying to be an asshole I am blatantly ignored by attractive people. They ignore what I say, and usually my very presence. Women run at the sight of me, because all women know that they can do better, and I don't deny that. For those of you that doubt me, I tested this theory at an art party the other night, and that's when I made the connection.
I noticed it a few weeks ago when I went to a dance hall for a free dance lesson - there were FAR more women than men (about two-to-one), yet when they had us pair up, I was alone. There was a gap where there was no woman. Down the line, women were doubling up rather than pairing up with me. Rather than stay there alone, I packed up my things and left.
But I am not attracted to terribly unattractive people either. Ironically, not because they're ugly - I have been trying to be more active lately, and dating someone who weighs more than me might prove counter to that interest. Unfortunately, the few women who do contact me through various dating services are so heavy-set that they are obviously sedentary. Before you accuse me of being a pig, by the way, please observe that there (many) men out there that prefer that body type, I just don't happen to be one of them.
I do have a few "women" friends. The problem is that 90% of them are married and are friends with other women who are married and/or going steady. The ones that aren't are warned away from me early on. I am friends with a few women that I would never date, but this is primarily due to religious and personality differences. My point is that there is no woman on this planet that I would be interested in who would be interested in me, or even get to know me before we started dating, which is what I'd prefer (friends first).
Topping everything else off, I never really learned how to talk to women back when I was still just kind-of ugly, not my current level of fugliness, and looking back there were a couple that were interested, but I was too scared to interact with them.
I know that this will be read by my family and friends more than anyone else, I don't care. I've explained this to people before - if it seems like I'm bitter about it, the truth is I am, and I know that I'm to blame, so please quit reminding me! I'm aware of the problem, but without hundreds of thousands of dollars in plastic surgery I don't know how to fix it.