The Last Dragon, at Last!

I loved this film as a child.

Can you taste the 80s? CAN YOU?!

What's it about?

Tonight's nostalgia pic is "The Last Dragon" (Sony/Tristar, 1985). Leroy Green (Taimak) is your typical Harlem youth… Who has spent his life training with a martial arts master (Thomas Ikeda) to learn inner peace -- and butt-kicking. 

Pure of heart, bereft of style.

When his master informs him that he has nothing left to teach, Leroy begins his journey to locate the next master in his training so that he can unlock the "glow" (a superhuman mystical power). Returning to the neighborhood dressed in Chinese garb from the 1800s for some reason, he is immediately dubbed "Bruce Leroy" by the locals which catches the ire of local ganglord Sho'nuff, the self-proclaimed "Shogun of Harlem" (played by Julius Carry III). 

Pictured: Memorable villain.

Meanwhile, video arcade owner and entrepreneur Eddie Arkadian (Christoper Murney) is seeking to get his girlfriend Angela (Faith Prince) onto the hottest television dance program in New York, "7th Heaven," which is hosted by the beautiful Laura Charles (former Prince protégé Vanity). 

I bet you can't tell what decade this is just by this picture.

Eddie's heavy tactics and the goofy nature of Angela's music videos causes Laura to outright reject his business proposition, which leads to Eddie becoming increasingly antagonistic, culminating in him sending goons to assault Laura. 

The real villain is always a rich white man. That's not me being sarcastic: THE REAL VILLAINS ARE RICH WHITE MEN.

I honestly don't know what Laura's problem is: THESE ARE GREAT.

Leroy happens upon this confrontation and saves her, resulting in a romantic bond between the two. As Eddie becomes more unhinged, his thirst for vengeance against Leroy leads to a team up with Sho'nuff to take down the emerging hero. Can Leroy save the people he loves and put an end to the villains' reign of terror?

Definitely maybe.

Nitpicks.

I know that description is a little wordy, but there's a lot (and somehow not much) to unpack with this film. This is an oddly out of time mash-up of 70s "blacksploitation" films and kung-fu movies, with very little detail played to either. You'll notice in the introduction that I mentioned that Leroy studies the "martial arts" and not a specific martial art, because the movie makes absolutely no distinction between them; Leroy is trained by a clearly Japanese man but dresses like a stereotypical Chinese railroad worker (unless he's dressed as a ninja and using Japanese weapons). 

Pictured: Ikeda, an American man of Japanese descent playing a Japanese man training an American man who thinks he is a Chinese man in Chinese Kung-Fu. Got it? Right.

Sho'nuff borrows his aesthetic heavily from Japanese samurai culture, but his moves are mostly kung-fu inspired. It's almost like the American producers loved watching kung-fu movies but couldn't bother doing the minimum of research on the cultures that inspired them.

Still, he is committed.

Cross-platform integration -- now with more synergy!

This is a Motown Productions picture, so there are a lot (and I mean, A LOT) of music videos and music awkwardly shoehorned into the runtime. Most memorable is El DeBarge's "Rhythm of the Night," where DeBarge is totally there… in his video… being played in the background… not interacting with the rest of the cast… 

LIVE! (in video form)

"The Last Dragon" has its own 80s rock theme song, which honestly makes the climax of the film even better. There are also multiple clips of various Bruce Lee movies shamelessly placed throughout the film during the downtime, possibly to distract from the fact that the body of the film doesn't really have much in the way of martial arts action.

DEAD! (but live... in video form)

My opinion: Recommended.

Having said that, let me just say in no uncertain terms that I LOVE THIS MOVIE. Is it a great film? No, but it is the BEST kind of bad movie: It's campy, extremely well-acted (outside of its two romantic leads), and best of all, it's NOT BORING. It's one of the rare instances where I loved the film as a kid and can love it now for completely different reasons. Everyone who saw this as a child (me included) was utterly terrified of Sho'nuff, but as an adult I can appreciate the way Julius Carry absolutely devours the scenery; every single time Sho'nuff and his gang of unrepentant weirdos are onscreen is a delight, a gift from the gods of cheesy goodness. 

Pictured: Entertainment in its purest form.

While most of the film lacks action, and Taimak and Vanity for all their beauty can only give passable performances, the supporting cast is so great (Leroy's family is fantastic, especially Leo O'Brien as his brother, Richie -- the kid gives a fantastic performance, easily one of the best in the film) that it more than evens out. 

Love interest, but not that interesting.

Oddly enough, Vanity's hotness is inversely affected by the size of her hair.

I'm serious: This kid is fantastic and should have had a long career.

There are even a few blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameos by a few familiar faces (Keshia Knight Pulliam from "The Cosby Show" and Chazz Palminteri to name a couple). 

Hm... Can't seem to place him... William H. who?

His character was later murdered by Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Seriously.

The final fight of the film pits Leroy against various street fighters in a samurai showdown to find out who is the true king of the fighters. Even the animated special effects at the end are a delight, even if they don't really hold up to today's standards.

Insert coins to continue.

Final boss.

Rating and concerns.

While there is no real body count or swearing in this film, it is rated PG-13 for lots of extreme fighting, implied violence, and the occasional use of the "N" word, so just be aware of this if you're watching with young children or just adult idiots who think that it's okay to use.

I know that cultural appropriation is a more sensitive topic nowadays, but these guys were always a little bit offensive.

Where can you find it?

I watched it on DVD, but "The Last Dragon" is currently streaming on HBO Max, and is available for rent or purchase on Amazon Prime Video and VUDU.

Mars and Beyond... Maybe.

Beyond space and time, there is... Mars and Beyond!

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "Mars and Beyond" (Disney, 1957). Similarly themed to 1955's "Man in Space," this is another episode of "Disneyland" (AKA "The Magical World of Disney" from when it was originally being broadcast on the ABC network) that deals with space travel.

"Hello Mr. Disney, my name is GARKO, AKA TERROR!"

It starts weird, and stays weird.

It starts with an awkward introduction with Walt Disney (and a rather disturbingly lame robot) before we get to the first animated segment, narrated by the immortal Paul Frees, which deals with man's conception of the Earth's place in the solar system, the galaxy, and the universe. 

You know: This kind of stuff.

This is followed by a fairly detailed look at the evolution of life on planet Earth (which I'm sure caused quite a stir with religious ignorance in 1957… and sadly probably now, 65 years later). 

Carbon bonding to form the proteins that would form life, circa 1957.

"If exposed to even a few degrees beyond these limits, man would expire." But you know: Climate change is no big deal. *sigh*

From here we transition to a historical (and quite comedic) overview of mankind's infatuation with the idea of life on other planets within the solar system. 

This segment isn't even pretending to be scientifically accurate.

Dig those crazy cartoons.

Pictured: Tripod-like war machines from "The War of the Worlds."

Martian and Martian horse. What where they smoking?

This leads into a very 1950s overview of what the surface and life on Mars might be like, hosted by E.C. Slipher, one of the premiere Mars astronomers of his day. 

Slipher, no sliphing!

I'm still curious as to what this "cloud" formation was. Maybe a warning about the election in 2000?

Ah, the "canals" of mars in all their glory.

If you're offended by me calling a Nazi a Nazi, you might actually be a Nazi.

The final segment is an imagination of the first mission to Mars through the (incredibly optimistic) lens of 1950s space technology. This segment relies on designs proposed by World War II veteran (guess which side) Ernst Stuhlinger and fellow "Operation Paper Clip" beneficiary (and bonus Nazi) Wernher von Braun.

Pictured on the left: Regular German. Pictured on the right: Actual Nazi.

Side note: Operation Paper Clip was a U.S. program that allowed German scientists (even Nazis, SS officers, and other actual war criminals) to come to the States to continue their work on rocket propulsion, basically without any acknowledgement or punishment for their crimes against humanity. Your tax dollars at work.

Nazi scum aside, I really did enjoy this episode. I love these 1950s style cartoons with their bold cubism-inspired designs and simple animation, but you'd be forgiven for not knowing that this was a Disney animated production because of that (other than one absolutely hilarious and brief cameo by Donald Duck). Most of the episode deals more with mythology, science fiction, and outright fantasy than science fact, which does somewhat unfavorably shade the historicity of the program, but I do have to say that the scientific speculation parts are a fascinating time capsule of what the public at large thought the surface of other planets were like before unmanned space probes and extra-atmospheric telescopes existed. 

1957 artist's concept of the surface of Pluto.

1957 artists concept of Mars.

The speculation is funny to witness now, and I think that Disney's "Imagineering" department took a lot of liberties with exobiology, but it is entertaining to watch even if the actual educational value is compromised. 

Let's just say that hope for life on Mars was very "optimistic."

Pictured: Martian Black Mage.

"Okay everyone, just hold your breath for 18 months."

The Mars mission segment is delightfully misleading, not even addressing small things like how 20 men would be able to eat and breathe on a small spaceship for an over three-year mission to Mars and back, and making the hilarious assumption that we would send men to the surface of Mars before ever materially touching the red planet with satellites or unmanned probes.

Ah, yes: America's famous 1950s space station.

You know why I never became an astronaut? NO LABELS ON THE BUTTONS.

The fleet departing for the first mission to Mars. Ever.

Preparing the Mars landing module.

Recommended.

I loved it, and recommend it for entertainment purposes. "Mars and Beyond" is currently streaming on Disney+.

Excelsior!

The Three Musketeers Review

Muskets not Mouse-kets

Four Musky Bois

What is it about?

Tonight's nostalgia pic is "The Three Musketeers" (Disney, 1993). In the early 1600s, France is on the brink of war with England thanks to the manipulation of the ambitious Cardinal Richelieu (played by a disappointingly subdued Tim Curry). An adventurous young man named d'Artagnan (Chris O'Donnell) seeks to follow in his father's footsteps and become one of the king's personal army, known as the "musketeers." d'Artagnan arrives to a Paris in turmoil after the musketeers are disbanded only to be replaced by the Richelieu's personal guard. The ever-confrontational d'Artagnan soon picks fights with three locals, the brooding Athos (Kiefer Sutherland), the boisterous Porthos (Oliver Platt), and the cunning Aramis (Charlie Sheen), only to side with them discovering that they are rogue musketeers fighting for the king's interests. Together the four uncover a conspiracy between Richelieu, his conniving cycloptic general Rochefort (Michael Wincott), and the mysterious Milady DeWinter (Rebecca De Mornay). Can the young man and the three musketeers save France and the King?

Jeez, just ham it up already!

My first impressions

So… Why is this a bad movie? Well, it isn't: It's very adventurous, the production values are high, and while the acting is… Let's just say "questionable…" The cast is among some of the very well-known personalities and rising stars of the time. The action is plentiful, the swashbuckling is exciting, and the whole film just oozes adventure. For the most part, even the death scenes are tasteful and downplayed, making this a mostly family friendly adventure despite is large body count (be aware that there's one scene between Porthos and an ugly dungeon worker that is somewhat bloody and on-screen). The whole adventure ends on a happy note with the bad guys meeting their just rewards and the kingdom restored.

Pictured: Not Robin.

My opinion

Bad movie? No, but do you know what this is? It's a very bad adaptation. I have read "The Three Musketeers" by Alexander Dumas, and after seeing movies like this one my entire life, I was shocked at how different the book of the collected serial stories is. For one thing, character motivations between the book and this film are similar, but not the same. The character of Milady in particular is much more sinister and villainous, even killing d'Artagnan's love interest, Constance, at one point (the character of Constance lives in the film). Her execution in the book is carried out without mercy, while in the film she's a much more sympathetic character. Richelieu's plot is also more layered, involving subterfuge from a tryst between the French queen and England's duke of Buckingham, which is never a plot thread in the movie. Also, in the book Richelieu is mostly left unpunished (because the rich and powerful seldom are). The book ends on a somewhat dark note completely absent from any media adaptation I have ever seen.

This one's for "Backdraft!"

Recommendation

So should you watch it? Yeah sure, why not? It's far from essential viewing, cinematic gold, or even a must-see, but it is an action-packed adventure film with a lot of humor and daring-do, so if you're in the mood for a popcorn flick you could do a lot worse (but also a lot better).

"I'm Platt-man!"

Where can I find it?

"The Three Musketeers" is currently streaming on Disney+.

My Doctor-eight! Get it? Doctor eight? No?