Babes in Bondage -- er, Toyland

Babes in Toyland is a movie

One last dive into the holiday season this year. Okay… Here we go…

Time for another classy children's classic from Disney!

Uh oh.

What's it all about?

Tonight's nostalgic pic is "Babes in Toyland" (Disney, 1961). Mother Goose and her (TOTALLY BELIEVABLE) goose, Sil (short for "Silly") announce to the audience the wedding of Tom Piper (Tommy Sands) and Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary (Annette Funicello), whereupon we are brought into a storybook village for musical introductions to all of the colorful characters who live there, almost none of whom we will see again.

Possibly the least interesting protagonists in any movie I have ever seen.

One pan from the bright colorful village to the ominous dilapidated house on the hill later we meet Barnaby Barnicle (Ray Bolger), the town's conniving sinister miser, who informs us that Mary is set to unknowingly inherit a fortune upon wedlock, and that he intends to be her betrothed in order to secure it.

Pictured: Happy villain.

To these nefarious ends he employs two mercenaries, Gonzorgo (Henry Calvin) and Roderigo (Gene Sheldon) to eliminate Tom and to kidnap Mary's family's sheep, stealing her income.

"Hey Guys: Go back to helping and/or hindering El Zorro!"

After kidnapping Tom, Gonzorgo and Roderigo decide to sell him to a tribe of Gypsies instead of throwing him into the ocean as agreed, thereby earning a little extra money aside from what Barnaby was going to pay. The two then pose as sailors to convince Mary that they saw Tom sink on an ocean-going ship to his doom. After Barnaby entices the depressed and now destitute Mary to marry him for financial security, he hires a troupe of Gypsies to perform at the wedding announcement.

Seriously?!

These happen to be the same Gypsies that purchased Tom, who infiltrates the engagement party disguised as an elderly fortune teller to later reveal himself to the town.

Okay, I'm not going to lie: This performance was pretty good.

While this is going on, Mary's younger siblings, Bo Peep (a young Ann Jillian), Wee Willie Winkie (Brian Corcoran), Little Boy Blue (Kevin Corcoran), and the twins (Marilee and Melanie Arnold) have gone into "the Forest of No Return" to find the sheep. Once Tom and Mary learn of the siblings' departure they head into the forest to find them captured by a group of sentient trees.

Creepy puppet trees.

Did I mention that they were creepy?

The trees take the group to "Toyland," a giant toy factory manned entirely by the Toymaker (Ed Wynn, the "Mad Hatter" himself) and his assistant Grumio (Tommy Kirk), who are falling behind on their order to make enough toys for the children for Christmas.

His own worst enemy.

The Toymaker is also Grumio's worst enemy.

Tom, Mary, and the kids decide to help with the workload and real progress is made until Grumio invents a shrink gun to turn ordinary objects into toys.

Seems like a good use of resources.

Once everyone realizes that it would be too hard to make full-sized objects to turn into toys, the shrink gun is discarded carelessly into the waiting hands of Barnaby, who uses it on Tom.

The effects are great, at least.

With the power of the device, Barnaby forces Mary to marry him a second time, but the miniaturized Tom uses the war toys they made to launch an offensive against Barnaby, leading to Barnaby's own shrinking.

This ends violently. I was honestly a bit shocked.

Tom bests Barnaby in a swordfight just in time for Grumio to make a restoration gun, fixing the mistakes made by his previous invention. Tom and Mary are wed in a winter wedding, and the film ends.

Thankfully, it ends.

Less than meets the eye

Wow, writing that down it seems like a lot of plot, but really there isn't much. It's also noteworthy that most of the actual film is taken up with singing and dancing that drags out the hour and forty-five minute runtime to an almost unbearable slog if you're not into that sort of thing, which I am not.

Annette has a song about how she's a girl and math is hard. I'M NOT JOKING.

This was hard for me to sit through, though by no stretch is it the worst musical that I have ever seen (that award still goes to Disney's own, "The Happiest Millionaire"). Almost everyone involved seems disinterested in being there, except for Ray Bolger, who looks to be having tremendous fun portraying Barnaby Barnicle.

Man, he's actually enjoyable to watch.

The size-changing effects and sets towards the end of the film are actually quite impressive, but that's no surprise given that one of Disney's previous efforts was "Darby O'Gill and the Little People," which has some of the most stunning size effects ever put to film.

What Christmas?

I have a question for anyone who might know the answer: Why is this considered a Christmas film? According to the movie itself, it takes place in mid-October. There are exactly two references to Christmas during the film, both as a deadline for the toy factory's orders. There's almost no snow, absolutely no "Santa Claus" references, no redemption for Barnaby… Who is run through with a sword and falls to his death. I mean, it's not graphic, but still… The "hero" in the movie, Tom Piper, has a higher body count in this film than the villain. Think about that.

Babes in Thailand?

Also, there's a scene where children voluntarily agree to be sweatshop labor on an assembly line, so… "Yay capitalism" and all that. I was honestly expecting a follow-up song about the benefits of lead-based paint.

Hurry kids! These iPhones need to be in the stores before launch!

My thoughts

I hated this movie. It's set in a genre that is really difficult for me to enjoy, and the slow pace, abundance of (mostly forgettable) music, and period-normalized racism makes it an experience that I don't want to have again, but also one that I regret having the first time. I think that it would be boring for kids of today, insulting for adults of reasonable intelligence, and trying to the patience of anyone. As always, your mileage may vary.

Where can you find it?

"Babes in Toyland" is currently streaming on Disney+.